It is almost 6 am and I am awake. Wide awake to be exact. I was awakened about 3 am when my daughter came into my room to tell me she had an accident in her sleep and needed help changing her sheets on her bed. She is young and couldn't do it by herself so I got up to help her. She is back in bed sleeping while I am now left awake. Giggles.
It's quiet...and dark. Well the only noise is the sound of birds singing their praises to God outside my bedroom window in the dark and perhaps the occasional car that might drive down the road. But inside the house it's quiet, which means I have time to think and blog. (Insert Smirk/chuckle here) Don't really know if thinking is a blessing or a curse sometimes, because I tend to think things to death and get no where with it.
Sighs, I have so much inside screaming to get out, yet I sit here with fingers that are frozen in position ready and waiting to stroke the keyboard. Nothing, but babbling is being released...WHY? Why do I do this, Why do I recoil from opening up...even in a safe haven of a blog? A blog in a cyber land that I control, I monitor who knows my identity so that I can release with out shame or guilt what ever (good or bad) is needed to get out....and yet I still am walled up, I still can't find the....release. Why? Sighs.
UGH....really, I just want to write with no worries, no judgements, no fear of being ridiculed or shunned for the things I say. I want my voice to be heard, not silenced. Yet it seems the only one keeping me silent is me...Why? Why am I afraid to speak? Is it because then I am held accountable for my words? No, that isn't it, I don't mind being held accountable for my life....I have learned to be over the years and being accountable for my life isn't a bad thing...it gives me the power to change what is bad to make it good (with God's help and leading of course). So then what is it that is causing me to keep silent?
I was asked to write what God has done in my life for me and three weeks later I still have a blank paper/screen. Not because God hasn't done for me. He has done so much, more then I deserve. The faithfulness of God has been evident daily in many areas of my life since I made the choice to walk intimately with Him in this personal relationship between us. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful/thankful for Who God has been in my life as well as what He has done for me..so why can't I open up and publicly share what God has done in my life? Who He has been to me??
I am not ashamed of anything in my life. I have made mistakes, I have failed, I have rebelled, but my heart always asks God for forgiveness with the intent not to repeat the same mistake, or fail in the same area again as well as not carry a rebellious spirit. Will I repeat, probably but not intentionally or habitually. I may repeat out of struggling with not doing it that I end up doing it but I will not consciously be found making the same oopsies in life. Do I go around publicly announcing my mistakes or that I have failed, of course not..I am not one who seeks direct attention. Truth is I hate being in the spot light. I hate having attention drawn to me and having "all eyes on me" for any reason. Makes me uncomfortable, yet I have been told I am a wonderful speaker, eloquent with words, carry myself confidently while in the moment of the spot light. Being the center of attention is not my comfort zone. Not a place I seek to be found. I am content lingering to the left of the stage behind the curtains or in the sound booth with the lights out of sight.
I will end this blog with my Testimony in it...if it kills me. I have 2 hours before my kid has to go to school. I then have the entire day to write continue to pursue the...words, the heart, the testimony of WHO & WHAT God is and did in my life so it can encourage others in their walk with Him.
Selah.
Oh might I add, its not procrastination either that prevents me from writing my testimony. I have made several attempts. Yet get the same result. NOTHING..BUT A BLANK SCREEN AND PAPER TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So for those who know I tend to procrastinate....NOT on this! Giggles.
I don't want to be vague when I release my testimony but I don't want to leave any part out. I want to capture it in such a way that when released it "leaves folks having tasted and seen how good God really is" because that is what He has been to me. I want to bring it across to others in the same way or close to the same way as I encountered it. So it is not mere words that fall to the ground but an instrument/tool in the life of others so they too can have an encounter with God and experience a testimony all their own. So why is this so hard to do? Giggles yet sighs
So here is my Testimony:
Extreme Make Over
I once was lost unable to find my way,
Like the blind wandering in the dark,
Is what I was on a road to death,
Til the day I stumbled upon a cross,
Where Jesus had hung way back when,
To pay for my sins I would commit,
I bowed my knee and said come in,
He heard my plea and met me just as I had came,
For my blindness He gave me sight,
To my wounded heart He made it whole,
My sins He did forgive,
The garments of old He did exchange,
No longer bound but now I am free,
From out of the ashes He brought me,
Molded and Made me Beautiful in His image,
I do see a reflection of Him in me,
Perfect I am NOT,
Yet more like Christ I AM,
What once had me bound,
I have been set free from,
Where it was dark,
I now have light,
His blood did more then cleanse me,
more then covered my sins,
gave more then an identity,
left more of an impression then you know,
It revealed Gods heart for me & to me,
It spoke a Love language all its own,
It captivated me and left me to behold,
The splendor of who God is,
Just what Jesus did for me,
That all I need is found in Him,
I encountered more that day then just salvation,
I became intimate with THE GREAT I AM,
Who has been able to live up to His name,
He meets with me for more then a late night rondayvoo,
I have a love all my own who is more then just,
A Father to me He has been,
A Friend who has always remained,
My Savior who laid down his life for me,
My Redeemer who gave me a resurrected life,
My Lord, My King, to no other will I bow my knee,
He has been my provider, strength, comfort and guide,
When I needed help, He showed up right on time,
I have been Captivated by His love,
Consumed by His Mercy,
Clothed with His Grace,
Engrossed with His heart,
Delighted by the freedom I now have,
I can spread my wings and fly,
I have no fears,
I move forward in His ways,
Helping others to the foot of the cross,
To experience more then a sight to behold,
But to encounter the power that enables one to live,
Loving not from the worlds definition of Love,
But out of the Divine Nature of God,
Displayed through Grace released from the cross,
Personal and Intimate awaiting for you as well.
I think I have completed the mission I set out to accomplish today. My testimony is written. Might not be in the form expected but it does in deed capture and is not vague! I sit her smiling as I reflect on how good it feels to have done this. Now to re-read it and reflect on who God has been to me! That is the true testimony..not what I have been through but who and what God is for me!
For a testimony is to bring glory to God, not a person, situation or moment in time...but to exault God so others can know Him and encounter a personal relationship with Him all their own.
*Chow til next time!
