Took some time to reflect and write from a place that I have not wanted to tap into til recently. Some of these you will find to be sad, others happy, others profound and the rest well...this is one blog/note that will leave you assuming when really you just need to take it for what it is....and that IT is moments of my life put on display unashamedly so that others can see they aren't alone...SO don't read to much into this...some of these were wrote in years gone by:
You say you don't love me but that you just care about me.
Why are you holding back from loving me and why don't or can't you love me?
Is it because you are too afraid of what love means?
Are you afraid of the word, love?
Love shouldn't be something that's feared.
Love shouldn't be over thought, it should be felt.
People change but some qualities remain.
Even with the change they are still the same.
A part of them remains and should be loved the same way.
Life is change and you change with it or die in it.
Love is a hope to survive.
Love is a desire to live.
Love remains the sole hope to keep those qualities in a person most cherished and admired.
A person can make you feel high,
A person can make you feel low.
But only you can decide,
Which way you want to go.
A person can hurt you mentally,
A person can hurt you physically.
But only you can place,
A limit on your abilities.
A person can cause drama,
A person can cause a situation.
But only you can create,
Your own reputation.
A person can make you laugh,
A person can make you cry.
But only you can make,
Decisions for your life.
I guess what I am trying to say,
That when you are living day to day.
Do not live by what people do,
But live by what you know is true.
A true friend is the one who picks you up when you fall
A true friend is one that won't lie
A true friend is there when you call
A true friend is there when you want to die
A true friend knows just what to say
A true friend won't care what other people think
A true friend will help you find your way
A true friend will make sure you don't sink
A true friend will help you choose your path
A true friend will know when something is wrong
A true friend has to sometimes face your wrath
A true friend makes you feel like you belong
Guess I am just in a mood to bring some things out of archives and be reminded of somethings as I lay my head down to sleep.
I can't handle it..I want out..I want to walk away say good bye and not look back. I want to cut the ties, I want to stop loving him. I want to stop caring, I want to scream!!!!
Maybe its the voice of rejection laughing loudly in my ear right now while whispering "ha ha, I won again, you ugly fat poor excuse for a woman" in my ears. Maybe it's the fact that the illusions of "us" being a couple have just ended due to hearing the truth. Whatever the case I am angry and hurt...I don't get it...I don't get the words spoken, the actions that were done...I open my heart against better judgement and now I am left with broken pieces.
I should of known better then to love a friend....I should of known better then to open my heart to him....before he opened his...never again...I am done...I quit. I refuse to be hurt anymore...and then to be told "I just want to be friends, your my best friend I don't want to loose that." Piss on that...how does he expect me to look at him and be around him when my heart is full of love for him that grows more and more for him as days go by? How can he expect to ______ ______ _____ ______ and me be okay emotionally? I mean SERIOUSLY?
The sad part is I love him so much, I'd rather have him as a friend then loose him all together....and so I will suck it up, live in misery and enjoy the friendship...My heart has been broken many times. My emotions and mentality have been mangled, torn to shreds. I'm just a pile of worthless pieces that have been used and broken so much that no longer holds value. I walk among reality in this broken, tangled, painful, mangled void of a body!
My loses cannot be forgotten, their traces can never be hidden, THEY OWN ME! He is but one more who now owns me...sighs....I want all of me back..just wish I could gain every piece of my heart back that they took or that I gave....
A shattered heart tells many tales of times that a loved one has broken it.
Many stories of painful moments that have left a heart torn into pieces and never whole.
The gashes grow bigger with each moment it cannot undo or force itself to forget.
A heart never forgets or truly heals it only mends temporarily until another tale is born.
Lord, you know my heart, you know my every motive. You even know my fears...you know my behaviors and my foolishness...I know I said somethings tonight in anger to him, please help me to apologize...to fix what I am breaking out of fear and ignorance. I give you this relationship/friendship and ask you to make it new...don't let what could be, become a what if because we both are acting out of past hurts and wounds yet not healed...Help me have the stamina, tenacity and strength to endure to the end in all of this with him..I ain't jumping ship and bailing on him now...even if I am impatient...help me have patients...please...
Over the years I have learned that the only one I can run too in each of the above times is God...I have learned that guarding my heart is important and that no one should be able to enter my heart without first seeking God. Any man who is to be with me from now on has to first be in God...He has to pursue God to find me...I won't settle for any man I am not worthy of...I am a Princess and my days of kissing frogs was over back some time ago. I am waiting for my Prince..I know he is out there...but I think he is getting his armor polished or slaying his dragons before he comes knocking on my door. I realize that my prince could be like Shrek, have some history or some "unlovely parts" for there is no perfect man and I am far from perfect myself, but I will except that about my Prince and I will love all of him for who God has made him..He will staff my weak areas with his strengths and I will do the same for him. He will be the peanut butter and I will be the jelly to the sandwich we were meant to create! Giggle giggles...
So it is 2:43 in the morning and my daughter is awake, she woke up about 10 minutes ago to go potty and found her way to my room where she climbed in the bed and started laughing after going back to sleep...so of course this curious mommy wanted to know what was funny, so I started talking to her, she woke up and wanted to know why I was waking her up. Now she is wide eyed awake talking about school and silly things. We both are giggling and making ruckus in the dark (well with the computer light) as I type this.
So since my train of thought was derailed I guess I should say goodnight to those who are making their way to dreamland and good morning to those who are awaking for their day. In either case, I am off of here and gonna snuggle down in my bed, 7:30am comes early!
Again this is a collection of random thoughts that are just that...so if you want to assume then it just shows how much of a (take the first 3 letters of assume and you have your answer of what you are if you assume) something that is not really here! Yes I was direct just now, but sometimes I have to be to put some readers in check because they have a perception problem and they need a wake up to reality check....called TRUTH....THAT THIS BLOG/NOTE IS A COLLECTION OF PRIOR THOUGHTS.....IN RANDOM ORDER....AND IF I DIDN'T GET THEM OUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ROOM FOR NEW, FRESH, THOUGHTS THAT HAVE DEEPER PURPOSE THEN RANDOM BABBLING LIKE THIS ONE!!!
however there will be those readers who can relate and to you....chin up and call on God because He was and is who I run to in my dark times...He is who I run to when have times of feeling unloved or not valuable...I find my love and value in Him...and who I am in Him and you can too! He loves you too! God believes in you, and sees much value with in you too! He created you in His image and God is AWESOME...SO THAT MAKES YOU AWESOME TOO!
*chow
