Every year I have taken the time to write a blog reflecting on the year that is ending, so I plan to continue doing this a reminder to myself of God's goodness along the way of life's curveballs and chaotic moments.
This year started out very...draining and emotional, to say the least. Let me back up a bit to 2018. 2018 was a year of my life. I never want to repeat it or wish it on my worst enemy. It was filled with betrayal, lies, malicious slander and so much more trauma for my family and me. It also was a year where I was shown just how strong I am and how much I can find the strength in Christ to stand and fight for my family despite the pain, vulnerability, and persecution I face. So as 2018 closed out, it caused the start of 2019 to be very overwhelming for me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. If I'm 100% honest the whole ordeal even took a physical toll on my body, I began to struggle with anxiety, physical pain and so much more. The damage from 2018 had me stuck, I couldn't move forward or backward. It was like I sat in a room in the middle of the floor staring at a filing cabinet that had just been emptied but every file and paper were scattered in no specific order around me piled high to my neck around the room and I was to sort it all out...
It was somewhere around the end of June beginning of July when I got some devastating news that added more insult and injury to the damage that 2018 brought me. I call the year of 2018 The Kiss of Judas. So fast forward to around maybe late August/September 2019 I began to get alone with God because I didn't like who I was becoming from all of this, nor did I want to stay in this place. My pastor had preached a message during this time that talked about our weapons of war and how we are to fight our battles....I have heard and applied this message a million times over my walk with God, however, this time as my pastor spoke I began to piece it together with what Daddy God had been speaking to me in my quiet times. I began to apply what I was hearing both from God and through my pastor. I started seeing changes! Changes not in others around me, not in those who kissed me with betrayal and caused me so much pain in 2018, no the changes started taking place in me! The anxiety left, the mental fog lifted, the spiritual paralyzation began to subside. I was able to start living again and heal. The journey that took place over these months was intense but in a good way. I was forced in a loving manner by God to confront somethings in my life that I wasn't aware of were "holding me back." How you ask? Well, he took me during my quiet time to Job 6:24 "Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray." and then God reminded me of His promise found in Philippians 1:6 "God is the one who began this good work in you, and I am certain that he won't stop before it is complete on the day that Christ Jesus returns." This is just one verse that became alive to me during this journey of healing. I was also reminded of Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
So every day I sat time aside to begin to fight this battle I was in according to what the Word of God says in Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Like I said I began to take what I had heard my pastor teaching on and apply it to this battle I was in. I began to use the "Godly" weapons instead of the ones that came time my mind to use. I also started pleading the blood of Jesus daily out loud over myself and my family. On the way to school, I prayed out loud for my kids, pleading the blood of Jesus over them and speaking blessings over their day.
I began to change my spiritual lifestyle by taking it deeper then what it was before the kiss of Judas. I no longer cared who was with me, or against me. I knew that I had God sat he would see me through and give me the desires of my heart regarding my family and their healing from all of 2018 as well. I no longer was focused on making/forcing their healing on them...but rather focusing on mine. Here it is December 30th, 2019 and I can look back at 2019 and see at least 3 major places in my year where I truly tasted and seen God's goodness, favor, and breakthrough despite what I was walking through. Looking back I never lost my faith, my trust in God or my praise. I never lost the confidence that God is who he says he is and he would do what he says he will do. What I did loose during this time was my ability to look up and see where my help comes from during those difficult times. I got my eyes focused on the wrong things which led me down a rabbit hole of what I will just call as UGH (while rolling my eyes!) Giggles.
I can tell you this, during this time my children were watching me whether I knew it or not. In my good days and bad days, they were watching. They were learning...which now looking back makes me shake my head at some of my choices, thank God there is forgiveness and mercy and grace! I also know that I can now sit with them and share all this using it as a teaching time! I know they watched me because....ok hold on let me get kleenex, smiles! on 12/29/19 at church was a HUGE healing moment for one of my kids. A moment of hearing God, stepping out and confronting her own fears and issues attacking her by getting baptized. You see my 7-year-old has been putting on a brave face for people so they don't see how terrified of water she is due to a trauma she encountered with her bio mom. She has had many times to get baptized but never did. Today when it came time for baptizing she ran to me ( I was in back working a camera and she was sitting on the front row) and asked if she could get baptized. I at first was gonna say no, but the look on her face and the arresting of the Holy Spirit had me simply say yes..and we went back to the area where those waiting to be baptized were. I know this was a God moment for her because while we were not prepared with dry clothes, but there was a family in our church who happened to have an extra outfit for her to wear after being baptized! When my 7-year-old came up out of that water the look on her face.....said FEAR OF WATER WAS GONE, A DEEP HEALING HAD TAKEN PLACE INSIDE HER!
It's AMAZING what takes place when we change our perspective and put our focus where it needs to be. Because of Jesus, my family is experiencing freedom from generational curses, bondage and more! My closing prayer:
Daddy God, I praise You, for You say we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). This world is hard. It threatens to crush us in many ways. Mentally, we are bombarded and pulled at by unfiltered thoughts threatening to run away with our self-esteem on a daily basis. Spiritually, You promise us a battle in this life. John 10:10-11 reminds us, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Bring our hearts to focus on Your Truth at the start of each day, expecting a battle, but also deliverance.
Father, in overwhelming moments, help us to recall the truth of Psalm 32:7, “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Remind us of the greats of faith that have gone before us in bravery, with courageous faith in Your protective hand of deliverance.Daddy God, I'm reminded of when David defeated Goliath against all odds, and even after being on the run for his life from King Saul, he cried out to You in faith to deliver Him. Even after he made terrible mistakes, but You delivered David, loving him still. For Paul, who tortured and had other Christians killed, You never left him even in his own jail cell. What we don’t understand is how much You love us regardless of our faults and fears. Help us to believe and strengthen our faith in Your love, for the one who is in us is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)
Galatians 5:1 calls us to action, to stand firm in our faith. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Help us turn from shame, make a way for kindness, and rise up for those who can’t speak for themselves and find a way to make sure those who are burdened by distorted thoughts of who they are. Equip us, through the lessons of our own deliverance, to become ambassadors for Your love. You assure us when we seek You, we will find You, when we seek You with all of our hearts. (Jeremiah 29:13)
Daddy, I am grateful that You hear us and care for us beyond our understanding. “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.” Psalms 34:17. We prayerfully proclaim deliverance in our own lives, and in the lives of those suffering in our family, and around the world. We cry out to You in faith that You will deliver us from our physical pain and mental anguish. “Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.” Psalms 107:6
Help us to let go of our timeline and embrace Your process and Your perfect timing. We live in a “have to have it now” world, but Your ways surpass the convenience of free shipping and next day delivery. Give us the faith and patience to embrace Your process and purpose for our lives, remembering Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” When others mislabel us, give us the grace to pray for and empathize with them, but maintain the truth of what You say about us, and who You say we are. May we always remember to love others above all else (1 Peter 4:8) but have the inner strength to discount and discern lies from Your Truth. Kids aren’t the only ones that are bullied and teased. Tune our ears to Your voice of grace, love, and kindness, as we respond and react to the attacks of others. Heal our distorted thoughts and broken-down boundaries. Help us to shield our hearts from shame and separate our mistakes and missteps from our magnificent purpose in life. Grant us the courage to be brave and courageous as Jesus was when we walked this earth, yet kind and compassionate at the same time. Make the impossible possible in our lives as we seek Your will in our lives over our own vindication and defense mechanisms. Help us to remember this powerful truth: “Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray.” James 5:13 Deliver us, Father, from the everyday attacks on our conscious, health, relationships, and beyond. From what can see coming and would never expect, protect and deliver us from anything that threatens to throw us off Your course for our lives. Give us the strength to love people that are seemingly unlovable without compromising our character as Christians. Build confidence in us that is unstoppable and immovable but guard our hearts against pride. Deliver us from our distorted thoughts, sickness, debt, sadness, struggles, hunger, pain, fear, oppression, conflict, and unbelief, for we proclaim Your Peace over our lives through prayer, today. “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10 Help us to put on Your armor, daily, Father. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
