The Final Destination to Adoption

Well, It's been a while since I have updated you on this journey. If I had to sum up this journey in one word it would be BITTERSWEET. Here it is 6 days after my sister had her daughter and I am lost for words, not because I am angry, empty or numb from the decision she made...truth is I am far from any of that. 

Let me start by saying that on Wednesday the 25th of this month my sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl who was 6 pounds & 9 ounces, 20 inches long. I am proud of her she did a great job considering this is her 2nd c-section. She came out of it way better then she did 3 years ago from having her son. However, going up to see her and the baby knowing that the adoptive parents were going to be there cooing over my niece just didn't settle with me, however, I swallowed my emotions and went and congratulated my sister and seen my niece. 

sighs....as I relive that day for a moment before I continue sharing.....

I entered the labor and delivery floor and head to my sisters room with my grandma as my mom was escorting us unsure of how I'd respond if I heard the adoptive parents refer to my niece as their daughter....I was quiet and alert. We arrived at the nursery window where I was greeted by my sisters father and introduced to the adoptive parents. Ha what a first impression I had....one that won't go away and I wish it would. My mom informs us my sister is not yet out of recovery and shows us through the window which baby was my niece.

The minute I laid eyes on my niece there was an instant bond. I choked back the tears and emotions that were suddenly overwhelming me and wanting to be released. I smiled and locked my gaze on that precious little life I was looking at through a window wanting desperately to pick up the baby and make a mad dash for the door so no one could take her away....however, realistically I knew better so I continued to just stand there and gaze. Having to listen to these 2 strangers (the adoptive parents) babble on about how they were excited to hold my niece was only making it worse for me on the inside.

I remember thinking, who the hell are you folks to think this is your kid. Who the hell are you to call her your daughter when you didn't carry her for 9 months...Every thought I had I recall as if it were yesterday I had them...not because I am angry but they are still very freshly lived....When my sister came out of recovery and got settled into her room, she asked for the baby to be brought in so she could have some time with her before everyone else bombarded her room for the baby. She let me stay in there with her and the baby. I recall the nurse leaving the room after she handed my sister the baby and having my sister ask me to help her get comfortable on her bed so she could hold baby girl. So I asked if she'd like me to pick the baby up and hold her while she got situated on the bed. Her reply was YES! So without hesitation, I scooped up my niece into my arms and smiled.

The emotions, the thoughts, the overwhelming sense that came as I held that precious little life in my arms while looking down at her and her looking up at me is indescribable and priceless. The bond I mentioned earlier was confirmed when baby girl smiled at me with her eyes open and responding to my voice as I talked to her. I didn't want to let go. I had prayed for this little girl for 9 months and to think she'd be in just days gone from my life was killing me on the inside. However, I gave her back to my sister so she could hold her. I then left the room for a bit so they could be alone.

sighs....I was at the hospital for like 3 maybe 4 hours the day my niece was born. I couldn't take anymore so I said my goodbyes and left to head home to be with my daughter and tell her of the news. Once I picked my daughter up from school and told her that her baby cousin had been born she began to leap for joy and smile. What came next was the part I had been dreading...reminding her that the baby wasn't going to be part of our family and that baby was going to a new family. The response from my daughter was not at ALL what I was expecting and honestly looking back, so glad it was how she responded.

My daughter didn't cry, she didn't get sad, she simply said, "Mommy, we have prayed for this baby to live and not be aborted (yes my sister was considering abortion earlier in the pregnancy and yes my daughter knows what an abortion is) and God answered that prayer, Mommy. So we have to believe that the 2nd half of the prayer will be answered by God too." The confidence in her voice, the sincerity in her eyes, the unwavering faith she had as she spoke those words sent goose bumps to my body. The 2nd half of her prayer every night leading up to the birth of my niece, her cousin was "let aunty Kay keep this baby." So hearing my daughter remind me of her prayer with such a strong....assurance that God was gonna make it happen left me in complete silence...This may of been one of the few times I have been caught speechless.

I made arrangements the next day, Thursday to take my daughter up to meet the baby which in her eyes was her "living testimony of a miracle". My daughter was extremely over joyed when she seen the baby and got to hold her and touch her. She met the adoptive parents and talked to them. We spent like 6 hours that day at the hospital. I left mentally, physically and emotionally drained from the overwhelming mixed emotions I had all day. I just wanted to get home, put my kid to bed, soak in the tub of hot water and process the last 2 days; and that is just what I did. :) Followed by a restless night of sleep. Causing me to wake up sore and stiff physically, not a good way to wake up. However I had fixed it in my heart to have a Fantastic Friday despite what came my way....

so here it is Friday the day of departure from the hospital for my sister and the baby. The only word that rang in the atmosphere of mine was BITTERSWEET. I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend my Friday at the hospital with my niece one last time to hold and hug her before having to say goodbye or to just remain at home letting Thursday be my day of goodbye. So I made the decision to refrain from going to the hospital and going about my day as if it were any other Friday only having a side kick (my nephew) tagging along. I had kept him over night. My daughter was in school so it was just him and I going about as if nothing BITTERSWEET was going on.

Somewhere between noon & 3:40 on Friday was where everything BITTERSWEET began to take place......I receive a phone call from my grandma crying, talking fast and so not able to understand her so in a panic I hang up and call my mom to find out what is going on as I am driving to pick my daughter up from school. I am informed that the adoptive parents and baby girl had been cleared to leave the hospital and are heading to a near by town (they couldn't leave state with her until the finalization of papers went to court this week) to stay with some of their family members.  I remember thinking okay we knew this was going to happy so why all the fuss from grandma? 

Well what came out of my moms mouth is what the fuss was over and so not at all what I was expecting to hear. I was informed my sister was still in the hospital waiting to be discharged and having to hear the other babies crying had made her realize she couldn't go through with the adoption and she was on the phone with her lawyer stopping the adoption and having the couple bring back the baby! I at this point am like SHUT UP, DON'T PLAY, DON'T LIE....to which I was informed, "she is choosing to keep the baby, this isn't a joke" as my mom is crying with joy!

So at 10pm Friday night my sister and the baby were at my house with my nephew, my mom and grandma and of course my daughter. And the adoption was cancelled, leaving the couple sad and disappointed, maybe even BITTER. But, our family was rejoicing over a SWEET precious addition to our family. I truly didn't expect the BITTERSWEET day to end with the couple who had planned to adopt my niece left with BITTER emotions and the SWEET emotions on my families side. Yet I didn't doubt that God would pull through and answer the prayer in FULL. I just had been taught that He will never over ride free will and if my sister was choosing to adopt over God's will for her to keep the baby, I figured the adoption would trump the will of God. 

Before going to bed my daughter said to me, "Mommy, I knew God would come through and answer my prayer in FULL. He is just that awesome of a God. He can't give us half of what we pray for, He has to give us ALL of what we ask for or He wouldn't be God." Now hearing this from a 7 year old made my eyes drip liquid rapidly and smile. I hugged her and held her close with my only response being, "Baby girl, you are exactly right. It makes me so proud of you to see that you have a desire to seek God, His will and have a strong faith for his ways and his things. To see you choosing to have a desire to know more of God and develop a relationship with Him on your own has me so proud of you." And then I kissed her good night and tucked her into bed.

After leaving her room, I went into mine and crawled into bed and began to cry tears of joy as I talked to Abba Father (GOD). Needless to say this whole journey and twist of events has me now in a place where there will NEVER be doubt the power of prayer and faith. NO ONE WILL EVER CONVINCE ME THAT MY FAITH & PRAYERS ARE FOOLISH AGAIN! 

When I hear God speak to me on something after I see it in the spirit with prophetic eyes I will NEVER DOUBT AGAIN...I WILL BELIEVE AND HOLD ONTO IT TIL IT MANIFESTS!

So it is my great joy to announce to you that on April 25th 2012, Sophia Marie was born and that on April 30th 2012 it was made official that the adoption was cancelled and my sister has full custody and ALL rights to her daughter as if NO adoption was even an option! :) And today I spent with my niece while my daughter was in school and loved every minute of our time spent together!

GOD IS SO AWESOME!

Sophia Marie, my niece

                                                                                                   *Chow

To My Bestie.....

Your eyes are a window
Your soul is cold
Lies are all you spew
like a venom that kills
I am not weak prey
did you really think
I'd let you stay
blink my eyes at your lies
Standing up to speak truth
I refuse to be hurt anymore

take a look write a book
I am walking away
putting distance between us
I am not feeble you fool
I am not weak so find another to drool

webs you weave so tight and binding
even you have become a victim
I pity you yet I've tried to lend a helping hand
only to be used and abused
save your bologna I don't want to hear it
so be a dear and just be real
no more lies, no more manipulation, no more drama

Is this good-bye you ask
No is my reply
but not because I can't stay away
but because I believe in you,
I believe in our friendship,

Some say I am a fool to stay,
Others say I should stray,
but regardless of the voices
It is my choice to make
Do I take a risk and make a break,
or do I take the risk
To awaken to a new day with you in my life

I can't handle the strife,
It cuts like a knife,
I know I will never be your wife,
for you won't let your heart love me like that,
It tears me apart to think your walking out
saying good-bye and leaving me to cry
I try to be strong, hold on and believe
but I feel like a pong being tossed across the table
It would be freeing to truly know your heart
with no walls, no lies, no mask no fears
open up and dare to believe I am here to help set you free!

This is my best friend...the one who I love dearly...He has taught me so much about men and how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Yet in a blink of an eye our friendship has been severed and I really do not know how to fix it....I know he is worth fighting for and I believe in him more then anyone and anything....I just wish he'd see that I am not a crazy school girl with a crush, or infatuated with him because I am needy or desperate....I wish he would see what I see in him and stop surrounding himself with folks who bring him down....and arise to the place where he no longer lets his past dictate his future and he sees he is nothing like the old him...and he has become a new person better then the old....and walk in all that God has for him!

It hurts that he is phasing me out....and I know not why!

Can we give it one more try? 

Cross Vision

It is almost 6 am and I am awake. Wide awake to be exact. I was awakened about 3 am when my daughter came into my room to tell me she had an accident in her sleep and needed help changing her sheets on her bed. She is young and couldn't do it by herself so I got up to help her. She is back in bed sleeping while I am now left awake. Giggles.

It's quiet...and dark. Well the only noise is the sound of birds singing their praises to God outside my bedroom window in the dark and perhaps the occasional car that might drive down the road. But inside the house it's quiet, which means I have time to think and blog. (Insert Smirk/chuckle here) Don't really know if thinking is a blessing or a curse sometimes, because I tend to think things to death and get no where with it.

Sighs, I have so much inside screaming to get out, yet I sit here with fingers that are frozen in position ready and waiting to stroke the keyboard. Nothing, but babbling is being released...WHY? Why do I do this, Why do I recoil from opening up...even in a safe haven of a blog? A blog in a cyber land that I control, I monitor who knows my identity so that I can release with out shame or guilt what ever (good or bad) is needed to get out....and yet I still am walled up, I still can't find the....release. Why? Sighs.

UGH....really, I just want to write with no worries, no judgements, no fear of being ridiculed or shunned for the things I say. I want my voice to be heard, not silenced. Yet it seems the only one keeping me silent is me...Why? Why am I afraid to speak? Is it because then I am held accountable for my words? No, that isn't it, I don't mind being held accountable for my life....I have learned to be over the years and being accountable for my life isn't a bad thing...it gives me the power to change what is bad to make it good (with God's help and leading of course). So then what is it that is causing me to keep silent?

I was asked to write what God has done in my life for me and three weeks later I still have a blank paper/screen. Not because God hasn't done for me. He has done so much, more then I deserve. The faithfulness of God has been evident daily in many areas of my life since I made the choice to walk intimately with Him in this personal relationship between us. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful/thankful for Who God has been in my life as well as what He has done for me..so why can't I open up and publicly share what God has done in my life? Who He has been to me??
     I am not ashamed of anything in my life. I have made mistakes, I have failed, I have rebelled, but my heart always asks God for forgiveness with the intent not to repeat the same mistake, or fail in the same area again as well as not carry a rebellious spirit. Will I repeat, probably but not intentionally or habitually. I may repeat out of struggling with not doing it that I end up doing it but I will not consciously be found making the same oopsies in life. Do I go around publicly announcing my mistakes or that I have failed, of course not..I am not one who seeks direct attention. Truth is I hate being in the spot light. I hate having attention drawn to me and having "all eyes on me" for any reason. Makes me uncomfortable, yet I have been told I am a wonderful speaker, eloquent with words, carry myself confidently while in the moment of the spot light.  Being the center of attention is not my comfort zone. Not a place I seek to be found. I am content lingering to the left of the stage behind the curtains or in the sound booth with the lights out of sight.

I will end this blog with my Testimony in it...if it kills me. I have 2 hours before my kid has to go to school. I then have the entire day to write continue to pursue the...words, the heart, the testimony of WHO & WHAT God is and did in my life so it can encourage others in their walk with Him.

Selah.

Oh might I add, its not procrastination either that prevents me from writing my testimony. I have made several attempts. Yet get the same result. NOTHING..BUT A BLANK SCREEN AND PAPER TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So for those who know I tend to procrastinate....NOT on this! Giggles.

I don't want to be vague when I release my testimony but I don't want to leave any part out. I want to capture it in such a way that when released it "leaves folks having tasted and seen how good God really is" because that is what He has been to me.  I want to bring it across to others in the same way or close to the same way as I encountered it. So it is not mere words that fall to the ground but an instrument/tool in the life of others so they too can have an encounter with God and experience a testimony all their own. So why is this so hard to do? Giggles yet sighs

So here is my Testimony:

Extreme Make Over

I once was lost unable to find my way,

Like the blind wandering in the dark,

Is what I was on a road to death,

Til the day I stumbled upon a cross,

Where Jesus had hung way back when,

To pay for my sins I would commit,

I bowed my knee and said come in,

He heard my plea and met me just as I had came,

For my blindness He gave me sight,

To my wounded heart He made it whole,

My sins He did forgive,

The garments of old He did exchange,

No longer bound but now I am free,

From out of the ashes He brought me,

Molded and Made me Beautiful in His image,

I do see a reflection of Him in me,

Perfect I am NOT,

Yet more like Christ I AM,

What once had me bound,

I have been set free from,

Where it was dark,

I now have light,

His blood did more then cleanse me,

more then covered my sins,

gave more then an identity,

left more of an impression then you know,

It revealed Gods heart for me & to me,

It spoke a Love language all its own,

It captivated me and left me to behold,

The splendor of who God is,

Just what Jesus did for me,

That all I need is found in Him,

I encountered more that day then just salvation,

I became intimate with THE GREAT I AM,

Who has been able to live up to His name,

He meets with me for more then a late night rondayvoo,

I have a love all my own who is more then just,

A Father to me He has been,

A Friend who has always remained,

My Savior who laid down his life for me,

My Redeemer who gave me a resurrected life, 

My Lord, My King, to no other will I bow my knee,

 

He has been my provider, strength, comfort and guide,

When I needed help, He showed up right on time,

I have been Captivated by His love,

Consumed by His Mercy,

Clothed with His Grace,

Engrossed with His heart, 

Delighted by the freedom I now have,

I can spread my wings and fly,

I have no fears,

I move forward in His ways,

Helping others to the foot of the cross,

To experience more then a sight to behold,

But to encounter the power that enables one to live,

Loving not from the worlds definition of Love,

But out of the Divine Nature of God,

Displayed through Grace released from the cross,

Personal and Intimate awaiting for you as well.

I think I have completed the mission I set out to accomplish today. My testimony is written. Might not be in the form expected but it does in deed capture and is not vague! I sit her smiling as I reflect on how good it feels to have done this. Now to re-read it and reflect on who God has been to me! That is the true testimony..not what I have been through but who and what God is for me!

For a testimony is to bring glory to God, not a person, situation or moment in time...but to exault God so others can know Him and encounter a personal relationship with Him all their own.

*Chow til next time!