Inner Twined Webs Weaved by Words

Took some time to reflect and write from a place that I have not wanted to tap into til recently. Some of these you will find to be sad, others happy, others profound and the rest well...this is one blog/note that will leave you assuming when really you just need to take it for what it is....and that IT is moments of my life put on display unashamedly so that others can see they aren't alone...SO don't read to much into this...some of these were wrote in years gone by:

You say you don't love me but that you just care about me.
Why are you holding back from loving me and why don't  or can't you love me?
Is it because you are too afraid of what love means?
Are you afraid of the word, love?
Love shouldn't be something that's feared.
Love shouldn't be over thought, it should be felt.
People change but some qualities remain.
Even with the change they are still the same.
A part of them remains and should be loved the same way.
Life is change and you change with it or die in it.
Love is a hope to survive.
Love is a desire to live.
Love remains the sole hope to keep those qualities in a  person most cherished and admired.

A person can make you feel high,
A person can make you feel low.
But only you can decide,
Which way you want to go.
A person can hurt you mentally,
A person can hurt you physically.
But only you can place,
A limit on your abilities.
A person can cause drama,
A person can cause a situation.
But only you can create,
Your own reputation.
A person can make you laugh,
A person can make you cry.
But only you can make,
Decisions for your life.
I guess what I am trying to say,
That when you are living day to day.
Do not live by what people do,
But live by what you know is true.

A true friend is the one who picks you up when you fall
A true friend is one that won't lie
A true friend is there when you call
A true friend is there when you want to die
A true friend knows just what to say
A true friend won't care what other people think
A true friend will help you find your way
A true friend will make sure you don't sink
A true friend will help you choose your path
A true friend will know when something is wrong
A true friend has to sometimes face your wrath
A true friend makes you feel like you belong

Guess I am just in a mood to bring some things out of archives and be reminded of somethings as I lay my head down to sleep.

I can't handle it..I want out..I want to walk away say good bye and not look back. I want to cut the ties, I want to stop loving him. I want to stop caring, I want to scream!!!!

Maybe its the voice of rejection laughing loudly in my ear right now while whispering "ha ha, I won again, you ugly fat poor excuse for a woman" in my ears. Maybe it's the fact that the illusions of "us" being a couple have just ended due to hearing the truth. Whatever the case I am angry and hurt...I don't get it...I don't get the words spoken, the actions that were done...I open my heart against better judgement and now I am left with broken pieces. 

I should of known better then to love a friend....I should of known better then to open my heart to him....before he opened his...never again...I am done...I quit. I refuse to be hurt anymore...and then to be told "I just want to be friends, your my best friend I don't want to loose that." Piss on that...how does he expect me to look at him and be around him when my heart is full of love for him that grows more and more for him as days go by? How can he expect to ______ ______ _____ ______  and me be okay emotionally? I mean SERIOUSLY?

The sad part is I love him so much, I'd rather have him as a friend then loose him all together....and so I will suck it up, live in misery and enjoy the friendship...My heart has been broken many times. My emotions and mentality have been mangled, torn to shreds. I'm just a pile of worthless pieces that have been used and broken so much that no longer holds value. I walk among reality in this broken, tangled, painful, mangled void of a body!

My loses cannot be forgotten, their traces can never be hidden, THEY OWN ME! He is but one more who now owns me...sighs....I want all of me back..just wish I could gain every piece of my heart back that they took or that I gave....

A shattered heart tells many tales of times that a loved one has broken it.

Many stories of painful moments that have left a heart torn into pieces and never whole.
The gashes grow bigger with each moment it cannot undo or force itself to forget.
A heart never forgets or truly heals it only mends temporarily until another tale is born.

 Lord, you know my heart, you know my every motive. You even know my fears...you know my behaviors and my foolishness...I know I said somethings tonight in anger to him, please help me to apologize...to fix what I am breaking out of fear and ignorance. I give you this relationship/friendship and ask you to make it new...don't let what could be, become a what if because we both are acting out of past hurts and wounds yet not healed...Help me have the stamina, tenacity and strength to endure to the end in all of this with him..I ain't jumping ship and bailing on him now...even if I am impatient...help me have patients...please...

Over the years I have learned that the only one I can run too in each of the above times is God...I have learned that guarding my heart is important and that no one should be able to enter my heart without first seeking God. Any man who is to be with me from now on has to first be in God...He has to pursue God to find me...I won't settle for any man I am not worthy of...I am a Princess and my days of kissing frogs was over back some time ago. I am waiting for my Prince..I know he is out there...but I think he is getting his armor polished or slaying his dragons before he comes knocking on my door. I realize that my prince could be like Shrek, have some history or some "unlovely parts" for there is no perfect man and I am far from perfect myself, but I will except that about my Prince and I will love all of him for who God has made him..He will staff my weak areas with his strengths and I will do the same for him. He will be the peanut butter and I will be the jelly to the sandwich we were meant to create! Giggle giggles...

So it is 2:43 in the morning and my daughter is awake, she woke up about 10 minutes ago to go potty and found her way to my room where she climbed in the bed and started laughing after going back to sleep...so of course this curious mommy wanted to know what was funny, so I started talking to her, she woke up and wanted to know why I was waking her up. Now she is wide eyed awake talking about school and silly things. We both are giggling and making ruckus in the dark (well with the computer light) as I type this.

So since my train of thought was derailed I guess I should say goodnight to those who are making their way to dreamland and good morning to those who are awaking for their day. In either case, I am off of here and gonna snuggle down in my bed, 7:30am comes early!

Again this is a collection of random thoughts that are just that...so if you want to assume then it just shows how much of a (take the first 3 letters of assume and you have your answer of what you are if you assume) something that is not really here! Yes I was direct just now, but sometimes I have to be to put some readers in check because they have a perception problem and they need a wake up to reality check....called TRUTH....THAT THIS BLOG/NOTE IS A COLLECTION OF PRIOR THOUGHTS.....IN RANDOM ORDER....AND IF I DIDN'T GET THEM OUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ROOM FOR NEW, FRESH, THOUGHTS THAT HAVE DEEPER PURPOSE THEN RANDOM BABBLING LIKE THIS ONE!!!

however there will be those readers who can relate and to you....chin up and call on God because He was and is who I run to in my dark times...He is who I run to when have times of feeling unloved or not valuable...I find my love and value in Him...and who I am in Him and you can too! He loves you too! God believes in you, and sees much value with in you too! He created you in His image and God is AWESOME...SO THAT MAKES YOU AWESOME TOO!

*chow

Part 2 of Walking the Path to Adoption

Well, a lot has happened since I last blogged. My sister has decided she no longer wanted me to help her in the process with choosing a family for her unborn child. But before I go into that let me update you on her status. She is due in May and is having a little girl! She is still having no emotional attachment to her daughter that is growing inside of her. My sister is down right now in another state visiting a couple she has decided could be suitable parents to her unborn daughter. I still have mixed emotions about this for many reasons. So since I have to start somewhere I will start with this thought; I am grateful she didn't abort the baby. I really am! She chose to not use that avenue as a way of escape and I commend her on that! She really has grown up in her ability to make adult choices and I am so proud of her! However, I am still rather concerned for her motives of not wanting to keep this precious little girl (who is a gift from God and was a planned conception) because she chose to keep her 3 year old son (who wasn't a planned pregnancy) and is doing a great job raising him....so I know she would be a great mom to this little girl in addition to her son! I really do!!!! 

I guess, I just don't understand how a woman can carry a baby inside of her and not grow a bond with that child. I have a 7 year old little girl and while the beginning stages of my unplanned pregnancy I was emotional, was a bit unattached from my baby, I did manage to snap out of the shock state and into a position where I became attached to my baby and a bond was established. I mean my sister did it with no problems with her son so why can't she do it now with this child? Yes I have asked her these questions and the answers really have me concerned...and it saddens me when I think about it.

Her son knows she is pregnant and even though he is 3 years old, he still randomly will ask or comment about the baby in his mommy's belly. While I realize he has no concept of time, yet alone the growth cycle of his little sister growing in mommy's belly, I wonder what and how he will feel when in 2 years there is no baby considering he knows that in this present now there is. 

Then there is the case of my daughter knowing her aunt is pregnant and going to have a little girl. My daughter is 7 like I said and she is excited to have a little girl cousin to play with (even at infant age) she can't wait to help dress, feed and interact with baby girl! She also knows that my sister is considering adoption (yes she knows what that is) because my sister has no consideration of anyone else's feeling on this matter but her own and will openly talk about her process in front of my daughter. So my daughter comes to me and talks to me about the conversations she over hears or is directly talked to about...and it is breaking my daughters heart to pieces when she thinks her little cousin might never know her and knowing she may never get to meet her baby cousin...because my sister wants a closed adoption and only wants my mom there for the delivery and after birth hospital time.

Then there is my feelings that come into play....I love my nephew and I do my best (due to daily schedules) to interact with him and be in his life...so I'm excited to also experience having a niece to do the same with and the thought of not being able to do that hurts deeply. Sighs....

I realize everything happens for a reason and God never puts on us more then we can handle..I know all that, but it still hurts and leaves me a bit.....GRRRRR'D to say the least! Giggle giggles...but none the less I love my sister very much and no matter my feelings on the matter I will support her decision and pray that God open a door if she chooses to go through with adoption that we (my daughter and I) can still some how be active in this little girls life.  

I woke up with something totally different to blog about..in fact it was an awesome topic and all but I tried 3 times to write on it and well...this is what came out instead....guess I wasn't meant to suppress these feelings or thoughts....so I will now hit the publish post and go back to Facebook before I get around for my day....as if I really want to go travel these icy, snowy roads after last nights winter storm...please, I'd much rather sit here on the couch in my jammies with the throw blanket that smells like my guy friend (because it's his blanket) on me with the patio glass door open just a bit to let in a small breeze as I sit in total silence blogging and enjoying the view of everything outside looking so clean from the white snow that covers it....

so until next time my cyber blogging friends

*Chow

From Castaway to Royalty

It's 2012 and let me tell you I am glad that 2011 is over! Not for any reason other than, I am much closer to walking into the Ministry God has called me to then I was last year. You see,  I could go into all the details of what I went through in 2011 but time would escape  me so I will say this. The year of 2011 was very eye opening and a year of discovery for me in the area regarding my identity. I have always had an idea of who I was but it wasn't until 2011 that the revelation of who I was revealed to me and I began to walk knowing who I am as a child of God. This discovery also brought with it the revelation that I am equipped for all that I face here on earth despite how traumatic it may appear...because their is nothing to big for me to go through that is bigger then God who is leading me through it. You see for years I walked this journey called life having an idea of who I was but because I was trying to work for my identity I really hadn't discovered/taped into my identity. Bottom line you can never see your true identity if you are working for the identity. I can confidently say I KNOW WHO I AM...AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME DIFFERENT. Because I refuse to allow myself to be seared with a hot iron anymore. What does that mean you ask? It means this, I will not allow the enemy to keep me in a state of continual sin consciousness (a place of seeing me as a failure for mistakes I make when I have repented of them). You see, I no longer will be working for a victory but rather from a Victory! Its kind of like mathematics, if you remember you are given a problem like this 45 = b x t.
You are given the answer 45 and then have to solve the problem as you find the value of each letter symbol represented. b = 5 and t = 9... its the verse "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord put into practice. :) We are given the final answer in Revelation....WE WIN, THOSE WHO ARE WRITTEN IN THE LAMBS BOOK OF LIFE WILL ENTER INTO HEAVEN. That is an example of 45....but we are left to put into play the components that make that happen, which would be the b = 5 and the t = 9. Same with situations we face, We as God's kids know we have the VICTORY in the situation...so rather than working towards the VICTORY (5 x 9= 45) why not reverse it and walk it out from 45 (VICTORY= 5 X 9) because as you do it this way, your faith is increased, your eyes are focused on the prize (VICTORY because its already obtained) and you won't loose your stamina or tenacity as you go through the situation....

I also realized that with-in me is a fighter. Not a fighter like a street thug who fights without purpose....but rather a warrior who stands armed for battle and isn't afraid to fight when the alarm is sounded. I have learned what causes to fight for and what causes to refrain from fighting for. I fight with purpose...I realize I have a heart for RESTORATION in the lives of those who are broke down, abused, abandoned, rejected, castaways, hurt, scorned and dying. I have finally seized my calling and allowed it to seize me with out fear and am walking in it ever since October 18th 2011 (consciously.) I am sure I have walked in it from time to time prior to that date but I wasn't aware that it was restoration ministry that I was walking in. I fully know that is the "vein" God has assigned me to and I am willing to flow in it at all cost.

I have discovered that truth isn't fought for nor is it defended...It is however, revealed or exposed. You see no where do I find in the Bible that Jesus defended the truth or fought for truth...so why are we Christians going around defending and fighting for truth? We are to be like Jesus and be examples of truth or expose truth to people to see. Truth will never be revealed through defense, nor will it be exposed through fighting....but truth will be revealed and exposed as it waits patiently for an opportunity to present itself and when it does present its self it does it in a gentle, sincere, humble and meek way. The sole purpose of exposing or revealing truth is 1. to bring freedom to those who are bound by lies and deceit. and 2. to illuminate an area of darkness so that it is no longer a dark area in one's life. Hence why there is a verse in the bible that says "I am the way the truth and the light..." which is said by Jesus....and then there is a verse that says "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." which can tie in the verse that says "your truths oh Lord have I hidden in my heart that I may not sin against you." as you can see in these verses there is a sole purpose in each one of for truth and how truth is in operation. However, because many people are found behaving according to the worlds system (defending truth) hence why we have a judicial system....how I flow (revealing truth) is often said to be nothing more than craziness or even rejected because it goes against what many have been taught even in churches across the globe. Yet if we really dive into the Word of God and find out what He is saying about truth and how it should be handled we see it is never defended....hence why John the Baptist was beheaded....Paul was beat, thrown in prison, and others are known as martyrs. They went about their God given assignments revealing and exposing truth, never defending it. The life of Paul is a fine example of revealing/exposing truth....I can't seem to find anywhere in his life did he defend truth....can you?

I have also learned that every person is called to do something different, I will reach folks that others can't while others will reach folks I can't. We are not called to everyone just a somebody. By somebody I mean a select group of people who are similar in life stories but my have different personalities than others. For example, I know some folks who are Pastors of a Biker Church and they truly are called, anointed and assigned to folks in the biker lifestyle. Where I also know a Pastor who is called to minister to the African American culture. If there were to be a "Pastor Swap" I wonder how effective they'd be in the others area of assignment? Do you now see what I mean by we are called to a somebody not everybody? So I have discovered as I sought God on where I fit in, He has been showing me my place in this world....my area known as the "somebodies" I am called to. Hence why last year God gave me the name for the Ministry He has called me to birth in due season. I am in the final stages of preparation time before the birth of this ministry.....and I am in aww, at how it's all coming together....GOD REALLY DOES USE THE "FOOLISH" TO CONFINE THE WISE" because if one were to hit the rewind button on my life's journey they'd be like "say what!!!!" when they seen some of the things I did but these very same "say what moments" were orchestrated by God for me to do or go through so that I could be equipped for such a time as this and for the ministry God has assigned to me, called me to and anointed me for. So while some will question, others will embrace, some will reject and others will accept me; I will NO longer let any of that phase me. I simply will go about my Daddy's business doing that which He tags me to do and leave the others in God's hands to deal with. :) Life is too short to be focused on the negative, I must focus on what I am equipped, assigned and anointed to do...because God believes in me and I live my life for Him and Him alone....If this makes me sound arrogant or haughty, that is not my intent. My only intent is to encourage others to begin to see who they are in Christ and begin to walk out the Will of God for their life knowing their identity in Christ as a Child of God who is more then what meets the eye when they look in the mirror while standing in the bathroom. See yourself as God sees you...and know that as a Child of God you are not working for righteousness but you were made righteous the day you got saved.

I look back at the events that took place for each of these personal discoveries I have encountered and think now, wow, for such a time as this...but ya'll know I wasn't saying that as I was walking through it. Giggle Giggles...so let me say this, I have learned that as I go through the tests, trials and storms in life, I have found that as I praise God in the midst of it all, I really do have more peace, joy, more stamina, more faith, more tenacity and more determination to endure then when I have walked through them not praising God...It was sung tonight at church this way and it sums this entire paragraph up perfectly;

SOMETHING AMAZING IS TAKING PLACE,
BECAUSE I WORSHIP,
ALL MY DREAMS TAKE FLIGHT,
ALL MY BATTLES BECOME DADDY'S FIGHT!

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU FACE SOMETHING CHALLENGING OR TRAUMATIC, LET YOUR WORSHIP BE THE TOOL/WEAPON TO SEE ACTIVATE YOUR FAITH SO THAT YOU CAN WALK VICTORIOUSLY THROUGH IT!