So My sister is due in a few weeks. Wow how time is flying fast. She has met the man and woman she going to be giving her daughter to a few weeks ago. She says they are nice and will raise the little girl with much more then she feels she can offer. She also said they are willing to allow us the family to have pictures and stay in contact with them and the little girl in the future! This is a major bonus if it is followed through!!!
I realize the real reason that it bothers me that she has chosen this avenue rather then stepping out and keeping the baby to raise as her own. It has to do with back 7 years ago when I got pregnant. I was not married, I wasn't ready for a child nor did I want one out of wed lock, however God always seems to know what is best for us and His way is always followed despite how we try to do it our own...You see, I seriously considered adoption for my situation, however I ended up not going through with it out of guilt and maybe conviction or even condemnation..I am not really sure but I often wonder if keeping my daughter was the right choice because of all that has occurred over the 7 years and the struggle I have had raising her on my own. Sighs, truth is, I didn't have the courage to let go, to give up my child into the hands of others for a permanent decision. So I felt it was best to swallow my guilt, swallow my shame and all that I was feeling and step out in faith and start the journey as being a single mom, trusting that God would lead me every step. And he has! smiles, He really has been my strength, my peace, my guide in raising her and being a mom.
I wouldn't go back in time and do anything different if I had to do it over. I just realize my sister is stronger then I in this area and she has more confidence when it comes to being able to let go and say good-bye. I commend her for it! I really do. I have never been able to let go of people in my life, let folks walk away or out of my world with out fighting to keep them in. I don't know if that is good or a bad thing. Sometimes I really wonder. But never the less, my sister has been given characteristic traits I don't have and I guess I'm a tad bit envious. But at the same token I know she feels the same way about me....but may never admit it...that is where we differ I guess.
I talked to my sister the other day and she agreed to allow me and my daughter to come see the baby when she is born. She also said we can take pictures and stuff of baby! So this is making it easier for me to grasp that I will have a niece who will grow up maybe never knowing our family. But I have to trust that God will bring us back together....in His time.
