Well, a lot has happened since I last blogged. My sister has decided she no longer wanted me to help her in the process with choosing a family for her unborn child. But before I go into that let me update you on her status. She is due in May and is having a little girl! She is still having no emotional attachment to her daughter that is growing inside of her. My sister is down right now in another state visiting a couple she has decided could be suitable parents to her unborn daughter. I still have mixed emotions about this for many reasons. So since I have to start somewhere I will start with this thought; I am grateful she didn't abort the baby. I really am! She chose to not use that avenue as a way of escape and I commend her on that! She really has grown up in her ability to make adult choices and I am so proud of her! However, I am still rather concerned for her motives of not wanting to keep this precious little girl (who is a gift from God and was a planned conception) because she chose to keep her 3 year old son (who wasn't a planned pregnancy) and is doing a great job raising him....so I know she would be a great mom to this little girl in addition to her son! I really do!!!!
I guess, I just don't understand how a woman can carry a baby inside of her and not grow a bond with that child. I have a 7 year old little girl and while the beginning stages of my unplanned pregnancy I was emotional, was a bit unattached from my baby, I did manage to snap out of the shock state and into a position where I became attached to my baby and a bond was established. I mean my sister did it with no problems with her son so why can't she do it now with this child? Yes I have asked her these questions and the answers really have me concerned...and it saddens me when I think about it.
Her son knows she is pregnant and even though he is 3 years old, he still randomly will ask or comment about the baby in his mommy's belly. While I realize he has no concept of time, yet alone the growth cycle of his little sister growing in mommy's belly, I wonder what and how he will feel when in 2 years there is no baby considering he knows that in this present now there is.
Then there is the case of my daughter knowing her aunt is pregnant and going to have a little girl. My daughter is 7 like I said and she is excited to have a little girl cousin to play with (even at infant age) she can't wait to help dress, feed and interact with baby girl! She also knows that my sister is considering adoption (yes she knows what that is) because my sister has no consideration of anyone else's feeling on this matter but her own and will openly talk about her process in front of my daughter. So my daughter comes to me and talks to me about the conversations she over hears or is directly talked to about...and it is breaking my daughters heart to pieces when she thinks her little cousin might never know her and knowing she may never get to meet her baby cousin...because my sister wants a closed adoption and only wants my mom there for the delivery and after birth hospital time.
Then there is my feelings that come into play....I love my nephew and I do my best (due to daily schedules) to interact with him and be in his life...so I'm excited to also experience having a niece to do the same with and the thought of not being able to do that hurts deeply. Sighs....
I realize everything happens for a reason and God never puts on us more then we can handle..I know all that, but it still hurts and leaves me a bit.....GRRRRR'D to say the least! Giggle giggles...but none the less I love my sister very much and no matter my feelings on the matter I will support her decision and pray that God open a door if she chooses to go through with adoption that we (my daughter and I) can still some how be active in this little girls life.
I woke up with something totally different to blog about..in fact it was an awesome topic and all but I tried 3 times to write on it and well...this is what came out instead....guess I wasn't meant to suppress these feelings or thoughts....so I will now hit the publish post and go back to Facebook before I get around for my day....as if I really want to go travel these icy, snowy roads after last nights winter storm...please, I'd much rather sit here on the couch in my jammies with the throw blanket that smells like my guy friend (because it's his blanket) on me with the patio glass door open just a bit to let in a small breeze as I sit in total silence blogging and enjoying the view of everything outside looking so clean from the white snow that covers it....
so until next time my cyber blogging friends
