Candace, That's Me

It was one of those days today where the head was just spinning round and round and around....and wouldnt stop..no folks I wasnt hung over, or drinking..I was doing what I always do and that is think! I know right call the press, alert the media Candace thinks...lol I think way too much if you ask me....I was blessed (I've been told) with a very anylitical brain which means it never shuts down...if put up against the energizer bunny in a race my brain would leave the bunny hoping in the dust as it flies down the track! Seriously I think I am the only human with a brain that goes 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mph. I know right seems impossible yet alone hard to even translate into numberical verbal language...


So I should be sleeping by now but like I said my head is keeping the rest of me awake and no matter what I do, say, pray or try here I am plunking away at the keyboard on the laptop cuz I see no zzzzzz's in my near future...

So I will sit here and feel as if I am rambling about nothing when in fact I do have a lot to say...the question is are you listening, reading or hearing? I work with kids as most my readers know and they will say the funniest things and tend to catch you off guard...when you least expect it with what they say....for example tonight while giving my daughter a bath I stepped out of the bathroom to take a call from my dearest and most missed Amber. So Im sitting on my bed talking to Amber when I hear "I love my mommy, She loves me, but why Im sitting in the tub all alone I dont know, I love my mommy oh so much, she loves me but leaves me in the tub, My mommy I love and mommy loves me, but in the tub I sit alone..." I started cracking up laughing so hard because my daughter is 5 and she takes bathes all the time and sits for like 5-10 minutes alone in there playing while i start dinner or get a drink or change clothes from work..but tonight she was full of random humor and decided to sing a song about it....that's like the other day at the park, Saturday to be exact...she ended up being the only kid there..can you believe a park with only one kid in it on such nice warm wheather? I mean seriously...we spent 2 hours outside at that park and she was the only kid...well I played with her of course but I will only do so much time on swings...so I sat down to take a texting break and look up and she has six swings just a flying in the air..she is doing her best not to let any one of them stop swinging..when I ask her what she is doing..she laughs and says "Mommy, duh Im swinging my kids...see 1,2,3,4,5,6 kids they all want me to push them..." we laughed so hard...she never has a dull moment that is for sure! So yeah I enjoy every moment with my kid!

Ya know what I hate? not sleeping..I know so deep right..Well if I didnt have a this brain I'd be sleeping a very deep sleep right now...and for all those who want to know...I do not snore...I do however, toss and turn when I am in my bed alone...which reminds me..Amariah has been sleeping in her bed for 2 months straight now..she gives me no fuss, no fights, goes in and gets in bed...I am super dee dupper lee proud of her for this..its a huge ordeal..you have no idea! I sleep in my bed alone and she sleeps wild woman style in her bed....I get a pain free night and she sleeps great too! No waking up after like 30 minutes of sleep to a foot in my back, nose or head butted by her thrashing around in my bed like she owns it! lol I cant tell you how proud I am of her! She is blossoming into an amazing little girl..who is growing up so fast...Yes she has her sassy moments, but hello have you met her mom? lol giggle giggle...and yes she has her little head swirling, neck rolling moments too but again HELLO....have ya met her mom?? She however is a smart little whipper snapper too, but hey I am her mom and I am smart too....just not in the area of picking a man...DO NOT GO THERE....I SAID STOP...

Fine, I will go there for ya...I know my past guys were all jerks, scum and didnt deserve one minute of my time, yeah I know...I sure do know how to pick them...I pick them like I pick my nose...lol wow some of you just got a visual of me picking my nose...well then here see the green slimy booger? lol well that is about the flavor of what guys I have dated..lol slimmy...but that all is changing...yup yup Me and God had a serious talking the other day...and well He won! He got his point across LOUD AND CLEAR! and it was confirmed on a nightly walk with my friend E....who as we were talking (E and I not God and me) E made a comment and it was very ego blowing at first but I knew it was truth and well though I wanted to hit E dead in the face he is a lot taller so my fist would never meet his face less I stand on a step stool and since we were outside and no step stool was around, I refrained from hitting him..your welcome E since I know your reading this...lol No I really didnt want to hit him...or did I??? lol but the comment he made did hit home and began to get me searching my heart, mind and soul oh and spirit as to what I really want in a man....and that led me straight to God's arms where I began to talk to him on this issue...and pour out my heart...desires, wants, needs and all that lovely jazz in the area of what kind of guy I want to find me...and He reminded me of that...to stop looking....He told me to continue falling in love with him (again this is God talking not E) and as I do He will send my man to me...I must position myself in God so that my future husband can find me in God while pursuing for himself God....yeah I know deep..oooohhh oooohh..lol

Truth is, there is more that God revealed to me but guess what.....that's for me to know and you to watch me walk out! That's right I am leaving you hanging...ooooh what ya going do stop reading, yeah right, you are already addicted and love me so much you cant stay away! heee heee giggle giggle...All my readers by now know my silly giddy sense of humor by now so I wont even try and explain....

Which has me thinking again...Since the beginning of this year there have been drastic changes in me...and a lot of folks be seeing them and pointing them out....which is a bit much for me..but I'm learning to allow them to compliment me...These changes are of course all for the good and I a loving them like a folks be loving McDonald's! I personally don't like McDonald's but hey to each their own...

Wow its 2 am and my munchkin just woke up and asked me if I was still on my laptop...lol well guess I need to head off to dream land....but peter pan hasn't arrived yet to sprinkle me with tinkerbells fairy dust so I can fly...what-ever shall I do? I know hold his hand tight and don't let go...as we fly off to dream land....oh wait that was never never land...my bad, well perhaps the ninja will come and take me into dreamland.... yeah.... ninja...

oooh how this night ninja is so handsome and so dreamy, He is amazing... He has a lot of the qualities in him that I have been praying a man has....This ninja has an amazing heart for God, His passion for God is constantly taking him into a deeper walk with God...Ninja isn't fake, he isn't drama. Ninja is a breath of fresh air to me...I can take off the hair and be me around him..the me God designed me to be...no fears, no worries, no drama, no anything but the Me I am when I am not hiding or afraid to be seen...The me who is and was created by God....oh Ninja if only you knew how much you are an answer to prayers...I am so thankful God told us both the same night to get to know each other..and we are obeying...you make me smile sincerely with a sincere smile, because you see the real me...you see me for who I am, not what I do...you appreciate me for who I am not what I offer, you encourage me when I have my moments of drop kicking folks....and you inspire me to take things in my walk with God deeper...You inspire me to not give up on my dreams as I watch you pursue yours, You inspire me to be a better me and to love me better even if that means taking better care of me...and not neglecting myself for the sake of others....You are a God send and I hope I am Your Angel....God knew what he was doing when we became friends....and I am honored to be in your life....What I wrote on the back pages of the black bonded book of life I gave you...I meant them all!

okay enough...see I told you my mind never stops...but I must force it now too or you readers will be up along with me and that is by far to cruel to ask of you....

So till next time.....just keep swimming swimming swimming swimmming in life...don't let yourself drown or give up....

Inner Heart Song

Ever just have one of those days...where you want to scream, cry and stomp your feet? I did and today was the day....I have never been so vulnerable in my life..

I am seeking you,Oh Lord
Seeking your face, My God
Seeking your Will, Oh Father,

I am running after you,
I am running after you,
I am running after you, Oh Lord,

I am chasing after you,
I am chasing after you,
I am chasing after you, Oh Lord

Running to you with all that I have
Running to you with all my fears
Running to you just 'cuz your you

Lord, you know what is troubling me tonight, I cast this issue to you..take these feelings and do as you please...stop this head of mine...I trust you and give you complete access to my life...

I love you Abba Father....

The Journey of Love

Just when I think I have mastered loving people, God calls me to walk, learn and go deeper in the area of Love. It’s a stretching proccess but one I am willing to go. He never promised it to be easy, He never said there wouldn’t be trials or obsticles. In fact, I have had to pull knives out of my back several times from folks God told me to LOVE… I cant be responsible for what a person does with the love that I give, I am just responsible for demonstrating, activating and releasing this Love and trusting God to do with it at his will.
The journey to loving is far from over for me in fact, it just started on the right path about a year ago for me… Being in dead end relationships most my life caused me to have a “fuzzy image” of what REAL LOVE is all about. Yeah, sure I knew what real love was but other than experiencing this REAL LOVE from my Heavenly Father, I had yet experienced it here in “human form”. I have learned it is very hard for the average person to walk in this REAL LOVE because of many reasons…It isn’t until we open our hearts first to receive God and his love for us that we can begin to open our hearts to release or receive LOVE from people.
Everyone has a love language that they speak learning that language is a very important key in receiving and activating love in our lives. I have learned my love language may be way different than the one that I am to pour out my love to therefore, I must learn their love language so that I can see that my love is indeed being accepted/rejected and when love is being poured into my life (after all we all speak a different love language).
Now, note that I am talking about love in many forms, from God to us, from us to God, to us from others (friends) or from a spouse to a spouse. Yes, God wants us to love our friends, He even wants us to love our enemies…Imagine that, loving someone who “hates you”!
I believe that we all have this dark underestimation of ourselves. Sometimes it is masked as arrogance, overestimation, superiority, but underneath the brashness he problem is insecurity and only unqualified, unmerited, unconditional love can assuage it.
I also believe, the Lord does not look so much at the magnitude of anything we do as at the love with which we do it. If we accomplish what we can, His Majesty will see to it that we become able to do more each day. We must not begin by growing weary; but during the whole of this short life, which for any one of you may be shorter than you think, we must offer the Lord whatever interior and exterior sacrifice we are able to give Him, and His Majesty will unite it with that which He offered to the Father for us upon the Cross, so that it may have the value won for it by our will, even though our actions in themselves may be trivial.
I have learned along this journey that:
Love is an act of endless forgiveness.
If we want the advantages of love, then we must be willing to take the risks of love. And that requires vulnerability. Of course, we can refuse this path and trod another one devoid of openness. But the toll on such a road is extremely high.

It is wonderful how the exercise of one's will in a matter like this will eventuate in the correct emotions. Determining to wish that person's good; deliberately trying to do something loving for him; and praying for him - all this will some day bring about the emotion of love itself. But love, as the Bible interprets it, is an affair of the will, not necessarily of the emotions.
Our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner - no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment.
Open your hearts to the love God instills... God loves you tenderly. What He gives you is not to be kept under lock and key but to be shared.
Faith tolerates a moderate love of ones fellow man no more than it tolerates a moderate love between God and man.
Instead of allowing yourself to be unhappy, just let your love grow as God wants it to grow. Seek goodness in others. Love more persons more... love them more impersonally, more unselfishly, without thought of return. The return, never fear, will take care of itself.
The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack.
The proof that you love someone is not that you have warm affectionate feelings toward them. The proof is in your actions, your words and your sacrifice, your willingness to give the best of yourself and your willingness to get nothing in return.
Christianity is not about ideas but about deeds inspired by love.
Romantic love is blind to everything except what is lovable and lovely, but Christ's love sees us with terrible clarity and sees us whole. Christ's love so wishes our joy that it is ruthless against everything in us that diminishes our joy. The worst sentence Love can pass is that we behold the suffering which Love has endured for our sake, and that is also our acquittal. The justice and mercy of the judge are ultimately one.
There are many who want me to tell them of secret ways of becoming perfect and I can only tell them that the sole secret is a hearty love of God, and the only way of attaining that love is by loving. You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art
Love does not inquire into the character of the recipient but it asks what he needs. It does not love him because he is such-and-such a person but because he is there. In all this it is quite the opposite of natural love: it "does not seek its own". It does not perform the characteristic natural impulse of love and life. Therefore it is basically independent of the conduct of the other person; it is not conditional but absolute. It wants nothing for itself but only for others. Therefore it is also not vulnerable. It never 'reacts" but is always "spontaneous", emerging by its own strength - rather, from the power of God. Love is the real God-likeness of man for which he has been created. In so far as love is in man he really resembles God and shows himself to be the child of God.


*Originaly written back in April 2010 and posted on my facebook page.