Forgiven and Free

Friday night I had the privilege of going to minister in the Gen. County jail with a team from our church. This wasn't my first time going but it was the first time that I was put in a position to be ready in season and out of season without a clue on what I would even say.... Very seldom do I go into a place or situation with a prepared word from God for people. If I do I know those are ordained moments...I pray I have more, but Friday was not one of those prepared moments. I almost felt "guilty" for lack of better words til God whispered to me in the elevator and said.....be ready to speak when I say speak. Giggling and smiling I knew exactly what he meant.....so I stayed quiet and very somber and alert. We were on the 4th floor and both groups were men. I remember thinking "what could this black girl trapped in a white body who is Polish say to these men....that would leave them chewing on a sure word from God." Well we began to open with a few songs, and then Caroline began to break open a word she was given to share......then the Holy Spirit quickened Dana and she jumped in with a word. That's when I began to allow my eyes to scan the audience. I began to see them as God seen them and he shared their hearts with me.....my gaze landed on 2 specific men who God began to show me things about.....this happened so fast that I felt like time was standing still.....and as quick as I was shown these things is as quick as it was done....I remember that was when I asked Caroline if I could share something.....and so I did. It was on the power of forgiveness.....and how the Bible says we should forgive just as Christ forgave us....but God took me to a different place with it and had me share with the men the power of forgiving self......of course we were only given like 10-15 minutes each to speak so I had to water ski over a lot then but I don't here....so of course those who read to the end will get the whole revelation that was downloaded to me while sitting in jail on Friday! The first group session ended and the inmates were released to their cells. The 2nd group came in and of course we sang some songs and this time Larry was able to share the word God gave him.....it was on Love....and as he was speaking again God had me looking at the men....seeing into their hearts...This time was different...this time I knew he wanted me to share my testimony but it was so not related (in my opinion) to what Larry was speaking on....so, I sat silent....until my eyes caught glimpse of a man sitting in the back who based on appearance looked hard and callus and cold yet desperate to be set free.....God began to show me that the same message about the power of forgiveness and self forgiveness was needed to be spoken to this group as well. So I waited til the time to share it. As God began to speak through me I tried hard not to look in this mans direction so the enemy wouldn't whisper "she is condemning you" to him, but I couldn't help it....my eyes once again were cast into his direction....what I seen this time was NOT what I had expected....this man who appeared hard and callus was crying like a 5 year old. Tears were just dripping like a broken water faucet and he didn't care.....surrounded by men he was crying....and I have to admit, it choked me up...to see the power of God begin to hit the heart of this man......in jail. As I spoke my spirit thanked God for using me to pierce the heart of someone with the words of God needed to set one free. After this session the men came to the front and shook our hands. When his man came to me, he looked at me and said "thank you for the word, I am trying." what came out of my mouth even surprised me...here is what I said, "Trying is the first step, but don't give up, determine in your heart, mind and spirit to walk it out.....even if you have to walk it out like granny (slow and steady) walk forgiving yourself out all the way!" He looked at me and smiled and said "I will!" 

I left the jail the same way I came in....quiet only this time quiet because I was truly taking in the whole evening. We all go through things in our life that we wonder Why.....and at that moment I understood and seen the answer to that very question I have asked 1,000+ times.....I went through all I have in life for such a time as this....to set others free with the same revelation of God that I have learned, walked out and even am learning now...and applying.....so with the introduction over let's get to the meat of the revelation God gave me about Forgiveness and how we need to learn to forgive ourselves...... 

The Power of Forgiveness

Those of us who by faith have been redeemed by Christ are completely forgiven and declared “not guilty.” Yet many believers have a hard time letting go of their remorse. The truth is, a self-directed unforgiving spirit is just as detrimental and destructive as holding a grudge against someone else.

If you look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes but you don't like the person you see, then you need to forgive yourself and learn how to love the person that God has made in you! This is what we call a stronghold, or an incorrect thinking pattern that needs to be torn down in your mind. If you have repented of your sins, and taken them before the Lord, then you are forgiven... and now you need to come to realize the power of that. You need to stop associating your failures with your "new creation" image, for God's Word says...

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Can you honestly look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I love you" and mean it with your heart? I'm not talking about a prideful way, but a humble means of accepting who God has formed in you. We need to love and accept the person that Christ has made in us, and forgive ourselves as Christ has forgiven us!

The importance of forgiving yourself

 If you don't forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, you won't experience the breakthrough that you need to be totally set free. I believe it is clear that failing to forgive ourselves from our past mistakes is denying the work of the cross and the shed Blood of Christ in our live. When God's Word tells us that we've been washed clean with the Blood of Christ, and our sins are removed through the atoning work that Jesus did for us... yet we still "could kick ourselves" for our mistakes, then we are basically saying, "I don't care what the Blood of Jesus has done, I still hate myself for what I've done!" It's stagging to think such a thing, but that is what really happens when we refuse to forgive ourselves.

If you don't see yourself as a new creature in Christ, then you have a serious problem. You will be hindered and held back from freely and confidently living out who you really are in Christ! You will be hesitant and feel unworthy to approach your Heavenly Father, because you feel you're a failure and unworthy... this is why it is vital for your conscience to be cleansed of dead works (your past failures)...

Hebrews 9:14, "How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?"

Failing to forgive yourself will put blinders on your spiritual eyesight quickly. It will cause you to see things through the eyes of guilt, shame and condemnation. It will ruin your faith, and cause you to go blind spiritually:

2 Peter 1:9, "But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins."

In the following verse, we are told to forgive one another, but did you know that the root word for the phrase "one another" actually includes yourself? The Greek root word Heautou refers not only to others, but also to ourselves!

Colossians 3:13, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Unforgiveness is a known door opener to torment from demonic spirits. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us how the unforgiving person is turned over into the hands of tormentors (that is, tormenting spirits). If we are unforgiving towards our self, we open that door for tormenting spirits to come against us because we are not really accepting the work that Christ did for us on the cross. Another key to the demonic is bitterness, and when we become bitter with ourselves, we become defiled spiritually:

Hebrews 12:15, "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

God's Word tells us that Jesus purged (that is, removed) our sin (Hebrews 1:3, "...when he had by himself purged our sins..."), but if we fail to forgive ourselves, we are in essence, calling God's Word a liar! We are saying, "I hate myself because I did that sin... I won't forgive myself of it!" when God's Word tells us that the sin has been PURGED or REMOVED from us... who are we to say that it is still part of our past? We are in essence, calling God's Word a LIE!

Why won’t we forgive ourselves?

In order to overcome self-condemnation, we must learn to understand why we have this problem. What has motivated us to punish ourselves by clinging to guilt?

Unbelief---The primary cause is unbelief—prioritizing feelings and human reasoning above the truth of God’s Word. Scripture says Jesus bore the penalty for our transgressions (Rom. 3:23-26). But those who hold onto guilt are basically saying, “No, my sin needs further punishment. I must suffer for it until I feel I can forgive myself.” Aren't you glad God doesn't place such a terrible expectation on us? When Christ died on the cross, He said, “It is finished” (John 19:30). No further payment is required. How we feel has nothing to do with the reality of what He accomplished for us.

Performance---Perhaps the failure to live up to our own expectations is what causes us to berate ourselves. However, when we are so disappointed that we can’t forgive ourselves, we've set up a standard based on performance. This is called legalism. The Lord gives only one qualification for receiving His forgiveness: faith in Christ. To say, “What I did was so bad that I cannot forgive myself,” is to live under law, not under grace. God’s forgiveness is not distributed on the basis of a rating system for sins, and ours shouldn't be either.

Acceptance---Tragically, after living under self-condemnation for a long time, believers can begin to see that as a normal way of life. But it’s not. Christ promised us freedom from guilt along with the abundant life that accompanies a cleansed conscience. To refuse this is to remain in a prison of our own making. Penal institutions have a word for inmates who have become so acclimated to prison life that they’re afraid of trying to function outside: they are described as having become institutionalized. That’s exactly what happens to believers who won’t release their guilt. They huddle in their cell, even though Christ has thrown open the door and invited them to step out into the freedom He purchased for them.

How do I forgive myself?

Hopefully, by now we all realize that struggling under self-condemnation is not the way God wants us to live. But how can we change this habit?

Step #1, be honest with yourself

Realize that down deep inside, you're not happy with the person of your past. If you are in denial, then forget trying to treat the root of your problem. You need to see the problem before you can apply the solution. It might even be helpful to list all of the things that you hate about your past, and one-by-one, give them to the Lord and release yourself from each failure.

Step #2, you need to realize that your debt has been PAID

The only way that you can beat yourself up, after Jesus has paid your debt, is if you aren't accepting the gift that He has given you. If He's paid the debt, and you keep denying that fact, then you are rejecting the very gift that God has given you! You need to accept what Jesus has done for you by faith.

Galatians 2:16, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified."

The blood of Jesus was shed for the payment of your sins:

Matthew 26:28, "For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins."

Because of the powerful work that Christ did for us on the cross, God's Word tells us to come boldly unto the throne of grace, so that we can obtain mercy:

Hebrews 4:16, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

The price for your redemption has been paid in full. It's up to you receive it and realize that the blood of Jesus actually removes the sin from your record. Now you need to see yourself as being forgiven and justified (which means, "just as if you've never sinned").

In Luke 7, Jesus took a very sinful woman (likely a prostitute) and freely washed her clean without hesitation...

Luke 7:47, "Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little."

The above verse is just one example of how freely Jesus would forgive a person of their sins. It is true that if we take our sin to Jesus, He will freely forgive us without hesitation:

Romans 3:24, "Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:"

There is also no sin that you can take to Jesus, which He will not forgive... for the Bible tells us that He is prepared to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness if we will turn to Him with our failures!

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Step #3, allow the Holy Spirit to heal your soul

You need to let God heal you... as long as you keep holding something against yourself, you are blocking the Holy Spirit's power from entering and healing that area of your mind and life! You need to open up your heart, and allow the light of Christ to shine into the darkness of your soul.

Step #4, begin to see the "new creature" of Christ within you

You are not seeing yourself as you really are. If you've repented of your past, and sought God's forgiveness, then you are forgiven or justified (which means "just as if I've never sinned"). It's not that you should try to forget what happened (don't remind yourself of it either though), but the important key is to see your past through the Blood of Jesus. You need to see your past as "paid in full" by the work that Christ did for you on the cross! Seeing things with this perspective changes everything!You need to begin seeing yourself through the blood of Jesus.

One day, when the enemy was trying to beat me up over my past, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me and said, "You need to KNOW that you're clean... your faith depends upon it!"

Step #4, Acknowledge: The first step is to recognize that you have not forgiven yourself. Face up to this fact, and begin to deal with the issue.

Step #5, Repent: Tell the Lord that you realize your self-condemnation is a sin. Then accept and thank Him for His forgiveness.

Step #6, Believe God: Reaffirm your trust in the truth of Scripture. God says He has removed your transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

Step #8 Choose Forgiveness: On the basis of the Bible, by an act of your will, in faith, choose to forgive yourself.

Please notice that feelings aren’t mentioned anywhere in these steps. Each one is a choice based on truth, not emotions. Stop replaying in your mind the old recording of your sin, which stirs up guilt, but instead replay the truths of God’s Word. Freedom from the prison of guilt and regret is only a choice away. Jesus came to set the captives free (Luke 4:18). As you take hold of His forgiveness and release your guilt, you’ll walk out of that jail of self-condemnation into the joy of abundant life.

My prayer for you is that you begin to see the need for forgiveness and learn to accept it for yourself and give it to yourself. There is great healing that comes from forgiving....even in forgiving yourself. I pray that as you look in the mirror you can see a reflection forgiven and free looking back at you and be able to walk in that freedom so that you can help others be free through Christ and forgiveness....

A Glimpse Into My Prophetic Journey

As I write this I do not have a title. I am just writing and am trusting by the end the title will be revealed. I know it has been some time since most of you saw my blog pop up in your news feed area....I have had a lot going on and well....a lot being put in...so I am not sure where to begin....

sighs, where do I begin? 

I began looking at some photos in albums of people and even some organizations that I had been a part of for close to 2 years and realize that what I thought was family really ended up not being family. I won't go into all the details of why I am not associated with these people or organizations  because that isn't where I want to put focus right now....but I do want to zero in on a few things from my time of association with them.

1. I connected and linked up with them because I needed healing in a safe environment from some things that I had just come out of...and God granted that healing to me...in fact He made me every bit whole during my time in association with these people and organization. So despite the "bridges burned" and the fact we no longer associate God still gets glory because I am still standing and this time I am standing stronger, taller and whole,so haa-haa devil your plan to discourage me through breaking the association failed....God still gets glory!

2. During this time of association I also discover as I look back that it was a time where I began to transition from flowing in one office in ministry to actually walking in the office I am called to and assigned to....Truth be told in that 2 years I flowed in 3 different offices and embraced the mantel God had been trying to give me for many years yet I failed to pick it up and wear it. But through 1 and 1/2 years of discipleship class I learned who I was in Christ as a whole woman of God and was able to pick up the mantel and walk in the office I am called and assigned to walk in. So I will take with me this and know with confidence this was the place my eyes were opened to my identity in Christ and I began to accept, embrace and walk in with complete confidence.

3. The third thing I want to point out about this season in my life with these associations I was given a full Biblical revelation on true submission to delegated authority. While up to this time, I had an idea of what submission to delegated authority was and walk in it, I didn't really walk in the fulness of submission. I walked in submission as long as I agreed with the authority figure.....it wasn't until I was placed here that God begin to reveal to me the deeper and Kingdom way of how to walk in submission to delegated authority and how to walk being UNDER-COVER! So again I am grateful for the time I was given with these associations. And I do not count the time a loss just because I am no longer in association with these. True submission to delegated authority isn't submitting when you agree with authority....that is just simply walking in agreement....TRUE SUBMISSION TO DELEGATED AUTHORITY IS WHEN YOU SUBMIT DURING THE TIME YOU DON'T AGREE AND KEEPING THE RIGHT HEART AND SPIRIT TOWARDS THE ONE IN AUTHORITY OVER YOU! 

I will get 100% transparent right now on this revelation I learned.....I had to go back during this lesson into my past and contact some people who at one time or another were placed as delegated authority over me and ask them to forgive me for not being in true submission. I had to not only repent to God but also had to seek out the forgiveness as I apologized to these individuals for my role in dishonoring them as God given authority in my life....Now you're probably wondering how I didn't honor them....well, 2 of the 5 people I had to go to happened to be former employers. I had to go to them and ask them to forgive me because they told me to do my job specific ways and I bucked up because I didn't agree with their way.... I tried to test the flexibility of the rules without breaking them if that makes sense....and the sad part is both these employers knew I claimed to be a christian...yet I did not fully reflect Christ to them because I chose to dishonor them through not submitting despite my agreement with their decision they wanted executed into motion by their employee (ME). 

The other 3 people, oooh that one was even worse...giggles...I had to go to a parent and ask them forgive me for not submitting to them growing up when God clearly placed them in my life as delegated authority....Talk about swallowing any pride you might have! Let me tell you this was NOT an easy task as it meant having to deal with some un-finished issues/wounds that had just been "band-aided" instead of dealt with properly so wholeness could come to that area in my life.....so that I could be who I had not yet become yet was destined to be! The last person I had to go to was a former spiritual leader I had to go and ask forgiveness from for not submitting in a biblical manner to them when they were placed as God given spiritual authority over me. So this lesson really wasn't just a revelation...it was also a plan of motion that had to be walked out in fulness so that the power of release could come into play....and become very real to me.

4. I guess I need to add a 4th thing I learned and had to walk out from this season on my prophetic journey...and that is I have learned the power of release.....I have always been good with forgiving and not holding a grudge or offense, however, I held on to the moment in time of being wronged so that I could say 'it won't happen again' thinking that this was a right concept....oooh how I was wrong...true forgiveness comes with releasing those who do you wrong as you forgive them....this doesn't mean you will just forget about what is done. But, it does mean you won't allow the wrong to cloud your perception of the person, or allow your heart to stop loving them. In a nut shell, the power of release allows you to be in right standing with God without bitterness and any ill feelings, emotions or motives towards the one who has done you wrong.....I can honestly say that since I learned the power of release that walk with forgiving others....my life has been free of offense an a wounded heart....yeah sure things have come my way to try and get me offended or wound my heart...

 However, I am quicker to recognize these arrows and call upon my God who is my shield so that I am protected and can keep a pure heart before God towards mankind....This lesson also came with having to go to 5 people or maybe it was 6 and write/speak to them telling the I released them from the wounds, hurts, false expectations I had placed on them, and much much more...that time would escape me from getting into right now...but I want you to now that a few of these people were not even aware of what they had done to me because I had never taken the time to go to them, I just went to God on the matter, but never dealt with them.....

So really what this power of release did for me was allowed me to release any and everything (including myself) from having any open doors that would stop unity from flowing between these people and myself. I had to release them so that I wasn't held in bondage....forgiveness sets people free, if not others at least it will set you free as you choose to activate the power of release in your life.....And FREE I AM because I choose to release!

 

5. Maybe just one more thing I have learned because this one is I believe the foundation that put the 4 above into my love....I knew what real perfect love was before these situations, however, I have been brought into a newer dimension of  love and become more aware of what the attributes of PERFECT LOVE are and how important perfect love is and how essential the Body of Christ needs this kind of love flowing from one to another at ALL times....despite the image, perception, race, gender, or any other things that could be an obstacle for this love to flow in, through and from! It is Perfect Love that brings unity....and as I have mentioned in previous blogs about PERFECT LOVE. The walking out of it isn't always easy but the more you do it, the more enjoyable it becomes! And the more enjoyable it becomes the more one it is going to begin to become a lifestyle rather then an option.....

Did looking at some of those pictures cause a vulnerability with-in my emotions and heart, sure, I'd be lying if I said no...and I don't lie.....but how I choose to respond to those emotions will determine if I am dictated by them or I have learned to govern them and walk out the very 5 points God had allowed me to learn during the course of my season with these people. 

I think the most vulnerability I get emotionally is when I think about two points...the first point: I was robbed and cut short of the time I was assigned there due to some situations beyond my control. And it does cause me to have to run to Abba Father and into His lap so that He can hold me and allow Himself to cover me in these times so that I don't get an offense, I don't become wounded or react out of emotion.....sighs....No place I'd rather be in that moment of vulnerability then in the arms of God! He knows how to bring peace, comfort and joy to those moments! 

The 2nd point where vulnerability arises with-in me as I look back and reflect upon my time in that association is how I grew in such a short time. I mean I had been places for years and I am sure I had grown, but something about these almost 2 years....and the growth that occurred with in me....I'm not boasting or going off what I think right now, I am going by what others have told me based on what they have seen in my life. I am also going by what prophetic words have been spoken that line up with my experience with these associations...so don't shoot this messenger down thinking I speak in pride, because I am not....because to be honest, I am not fully sure I see the growth....because I know how much I have to battle just to not "have a tantrum and act a fool".  And to be 100% honest, I know the many times in secret I have thrown a tantrum because I had given in to letting emotions dictate me...which caused me to have to run to Abba God and repent and make it right....and go back to walking this prophetic journey out His way....through the 5 things I mentioned here I learned during the time with these people and organization....and I use the word organization loosely so no one get offended....I guess the proper word would be place of establishment.....

I also in the last 3 months have been taken to a place where I have looked back into my prophetic journey and been reminded of where I come from and who has been major influences, mentors, leaders, support and factors in who I am today. I know that in the last month or so, I have had the opportunity to talk with some of those people in both great & short lengths but the common theme in conversations has been: 1. Me giving them honor for who they have been in my life and the role they had in me becoming who I am today. While thanking them for being led by God then for such a time as now! 

2. Them taking the time to tell me that even though some may not be active roles now they still from a distance have an insight into my life and have watched over months, years and decades the growth, transformation and maturity since when they first came into an encounter with me.  This really opened my eyes to see that some of these people (who I thought didn't) really did believe in me and see who I was before I had become. I have not fully arrived to where I should be, nor will I until I enter Heaven, but I do my best to become all that God has created me to be and to walk the best I can in the full calling and destiny He has planned/promised me!

We all have a promise that is leading us in this prophetic journey....what is your promise and will you seek God so that He can lead you through this prophetic journey reaching and being able to take hold of that promise?

After all God didn't ask Abraham to lay Isaac (promised son) on the altar because God wanted to take away....He wanted to see if Abraham would prove he wanted God more more then he wanted Isaac.....

These lyrics simply express the above statement:

Abraham prayed for the day
God would give him a son
Blessed Isaac was his name
The greatest gift he’d ever known
Then came the day, who would have dreamed
God would say “Give him to me
On this mountain you will prove,
It’s you and Isaac, or it’s me and you”

Chorus: When I lay my Isaac down
Broken heart but my Fathers proud  

On this altar here he lays
Just to find it wasn’t him he/(God) wanted me

Most of us I’d dare to say
Have an Isaac in God’s way
On the Altar God will prove
It’s not your Isaac that he wants
He wants you 

Chorus: When I lay my Isaac down
Broken heart but my Fathers proud  

On this altar here he lays
Just to find it wasn’t him he/(God) wanted me

On this altar here he lays
Just to find it wasn’t him he/(God) wanted me

I do not have time right now to develop the revelation God gave me on Laying Your Isaac on the Altar right now, but I have mentioned it in previous blogs....I will release it soon...but in God's timing.....so stay tuned....until then, may the words of this blog find a place in your heart so that you can become all that God wants you to become! It's not about us, that we are on this prophetic journey, its about getting through so we can lead others out of their Egypt and into the promise land that awaits them!

And remember:

The Final Destination to Adoption

Well, It's been a while since I have updated you on this journey. If I had to sum up this journey in one word it would be BITTERSWEET. Here it is 6 days after my sister had her daughter and I am lost for words, not because I am angry, empty or numb from the decision she made...truth is I am far from any of that. 

Let me start by saying that on Wednesday the 25th of this month my sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl who was 6 pounds & 9 ounces, 20 inches long. I am proud of her she did a great job considering this is her 2nd c-section. She came out of it way better then she did 3 years ago from having her son. However, going up to see her and the baby knowing that the adoptive parents were going to be there cooing over my niece just didn't settle with me, however, I swallowed my emotions and went and congratulated my sister and seen my niece. 

sighs....as I relive that day for a moment before I continue sharing.....

I entered the labor and delivery floor and head to my sisters room with my grandma as my mom was escorting us unsure of how I'd respond if I heard the adoptive parents refer to my niece as their daughter....I was quiet and alert. We arrived at the nursery window where I was greeted by my sisters father and introduced to the adoptive parents. Ha what a first impression I had....one that won't go away and I wish it would. My mom informs us my sister is not yet out of recovery and shows us through the window which baby was my niece.

The minute I laid eyes on my niece there was an instant bond. I choked back the tears and emotions that were suddenly overwhelming me and wanting to be released. I smiled and locked my gaze on that precious little life I was looking at through a window wanting desperately to pick up the baby and make a mad dash for the door so no one could take her away....however, realistically I knew better so I continued to just stand there and gaze. Having to listen to these 2 strangers (the adoptive parents) babble on about how they were excited to hold my niece was only making it worse for me on the inside.

I remember thinking, who the hell are you folks to think this is your kid. Who the hell are you to call her your daughter when you didn't carry her for 9 months...Every thought I had I recall as if it were yesterday I had them...not because I am angry but they are still very freshly lived....When my sister came out of recovery and got settled into her room, she asked for the baby to be brought in so she could have some time with her before everyone else bombarded her room for the baby. She let me stay in there with her and the baby. I recall the nurse leaving the room after she handed my sister the baby and having my sister ask me to help her get comfortable on her bed so she could hold baby girl. So I asked if she'd like me to pick the baby up and hold her while she got situated on the bed. Her reply was YES! So without hesitation, I scooped up my niece into my arms and smiled.

The emotions, the thoughts, the overwhelming sense that came as I held that precious little life in my arms while looking down at her and her looking up at me is indescribable and priceless. The bond I mentioned earlier was confirmed when baby girl smiled at me with her eyes open and responding to my voice as I talked to her. I didn't want to let go. I had prayed for this little girl for 9 months and to think she'd be in just days gone from my life was killing me on the inside. However, I gave her back to my sister so she could hold her. I then left the room for a bit so they could be alone.

sighs....I was at the hospital for like 3 maybe 4 hours the day my niece was born. I couldn't take anymore so I said my goodbyes and left to head home to be with my daughter and tell her of the news. Once I picked my daughter up from school and told her that her baby cousin had been born she began to leap for joy and smile. What came next was the part I had been dreading...reminding her that the baby wasn't going to be part of our family and that baby was going to a new family. The response from my daughter was not at ALL what I was expecting and honestly looking back, so glad it was how she responded.

My daughter didn't cry, she didn't get sad, she simply said, "Mommy, we have prayed for this baby to live and not be aborted (yes my sister was considering abortion earlier in the pregnancy and yes my daughter knows what an abortion is) and God answered that prayer, Mommy. So we have to believe that the 2nd half of the prayer will be answered by God too." The confidence in her voice, the sincerity in her eyes, the unwavering faith she had as she spoke those words sent goose bumps to my body. The 2nd half of her prayer every night leading up to the birth of my niece, her cousin was "let aunty Kay keep this baby." So hearing my daughter remind me of her prayer with such a strong....assurance that God was gonna make it happen left me in complete silence...This may of been one of the few times I have been caught speechless.

I made arrangements the next day, Thursday to take my daughter up to meet the baby which in her eyes was her "living testimony of a miracle". My daughter was extremely over joyed when she seen the baby and got to hold her and touch her. She met the adoptive parents and talked to them. We spent like 6 hours that day at the hospital. I left mentally, physically and emotionally drained from the overwhelming mixed emotions I had all day. I just wanted to get home, put my kid to bed, soak in the tub of hot water and process the last 2 days; and that is just what I did. :) Followed by a restless night of sleep. Causing me to wake up sore and stiff physically, not a good way to wake up. However I had fixed it in my heart to have a Fantastic Friday despite what came my way....

so here it is Friday the day of departure from the hospital for my sister and the baby. The only word that rang in the atmosphere of mine was BITTERSWEET. I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend my Friday at the hospital with my niece one last time to hold and hug her before having to say goodbye or to just remain at home letting Thursday be my day of goodbye. So I made the decision to refrain from going to the hospital and going about my day as if it were any other Friday only having a side kick (my nephew) tagging along. I had kept him over night. My daughter was in school so it was just him and I going about as if nothing BITTERSWEET was going on.

Somewhere between noon & 3:40 on Friday was where everything BITTERSWEET began to take place......I receive a phone call from my grandma crying, talking fast and so not able to understand her so in a panic I hang up and call my mom to find out what is going on as I am driving to pick my daughter up from school. I am informed that the adoptive parents and baby girl had been cleared to leave the hospital and are heading to a near by town (they couldn't leave state with her until the finalization of papers went to court this week) to stay with some of their family members.  I remember thinking okay we knew this was going to happy so why all the fuss from grandma? 

Well what came out of my moms mouth is what the fuss was over and so not at all what I was expecting to hear. I was informed my sister was still in the hospital waiting to be discharged and having to hear the other babies crying had made her realize she couldn't go through with the adoption and she was on the phone with her lawyer stopping the adoption and having the couple bring back the baby! I at this point am like SHUT UP, DON'T PLAY, DON'T LIE....to which I was informed, "she is choosing to keep the baby, this isn't a joke" as my mom is crying with joy!

So at 10pm Friday night my sister and the baby were at my house with my nephew, my mom and grandma and of course my daughter. And the adoption was cancelled, leaving the couple sad and disappointed, maybe even BITTER. But, our family was rejoicing over a SWEET precious addition to our family. I truly didn't expect the BITTERSWEET day to end with the couple who had planned to adopt my niece left with BITTER emotions and the SWEET emotions on my families side. Yet I didn't doubt that God would pull through and answer the prayer in FULL. I just had been taught that He will never over ride free will and if my sister was choosing to adopt over God's will for her to keep the baby, I figured the adoption would trump the will of God. 

Before going to bed my daughter said to me, "Mommy, I knew God would come through and answer my prayer in FULL. He is just that awesome of a God. He can't give us half of what we pray for, He has to give us ALL of what we ask for or He wouldn't be God." Now hearing this from a 7 year old made my eyes drip liquid rapidly and smile. I hugged her and held her close with my only response being, "Baby girl, you are exactly right. It makes me so proud of you to see that you have a desire to seek God, His will and have a strong faith for his ways and his things. To see you choosing to have a desire to know more of God and develop a relationship with Him on your own has me so proud of you." And then I kissed her good night and tucked her into bed.

After leaving her room, I went into mine and crawled into bed and began to cry tears of joy as I talked to Abba Father (GOD). Needless to say this whole journey and twist of events has me now in a place where there will NEVER be doubt the power of prayer and faith. NO ONE WILL EVER CONVINCE ME THAT MY FAITH & PRAYERS ARE FOOLISH AGAIN! 

When I hear God speak to me on something after I see it in the spirit with prophetic eyes I will NEVER DOUBT AGAIN...I WILL BELIEVE AND HOLD ONTO IT TIL IT MANIFESTS!

So it is my great joy to announce to you that on April 25th 2012, Sophia Marie was born and that on April 30th 2012 it was made official that the adoption was cancelled and my sister has full custody and ALL rights to her daughter as if NO adoption was even an option! :) And today I spent with my niece while my daughter was in school and loved every minute of our time spent together!

GOD IS SO AWESOME!

Sophia Marie, my niece

                                                                                                   *Chow

To My Bestie.....

Your eyes are a window
Your soul is cold
Lies are all you spew
like a venom that kills
I am not weak prey
did you really think
I'd let you stay
blink my eyes at your lies
Standing up to speak truth
I refuse to be hurt anymore

take a look write a book
I am walking away
putting distance between us
I am not feeble you fool
I am not weak so find another to drool

webs you weave so tight and binding
even you have become a victim
I pity you yet I've tried to lend a helping hand
only to be used and abused
save your bologna I don't want to hear it
so be a dear and just be real
no more lies, no more manipulation, no more drama

Is this good-bye you ask
No is my reply
but not because I can't stay away
but because I believe in you,
I believe in our friendship,

Some say I am a fool to stay,
Others say I should stray,
but regardless of the voices
It is my choice to make
Do I take a risk and make a break,
or do I take the risk
To awaken to a new day with you in my life

I can't handle the strife,
It cuts like a knife,
I know I will never be your wife,
for you won't let your heart love me like that,
It tears me apart to think your walking out
saying good-bye and leaving me to cry
I try to be strong, hold on and believe
but I feel like a pong being tossed across the table
It would be freeing to truly know your heart
with no walls, no lies, no mask no fears
open up and dare to believe I am here to help set you free!

This is my best friend...the one who I love dearly...He has taught me so much about men and how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Yet in a blink of an eye our friendship has been severed and I really do not know how to fix it....I know he is worth fighting for and I believe in him more then anyone and anything....I just wish he'd see that I am not a crazy school girl with a crush, or infatuated with him because I am needy or desperate....I wish he would see what I see in him and stop surrounding himself with folks who bring him down....and arise to the place where he no longer lets his past dictate his future and he sees he is nothing like the old him...and he has become a new person better then the old....and walk in all that God has for him!

It hurts that he is phasing me out....and I know not why!

Can we give it one more try? 

Cross Vision

It is almost 6 am and I am awake. Wide awake to be exact. I was awakened about 3 am when my daughter came into my room to tell me she had an accident in her sleep and needed help changing her sheets on her bed. She is young and couldn't do it by herself so I got up to help her. She is back in bed sleeping while I am now left awake. Giggles.

It's quiet...and dark. Well the only noise is the sound of birds singing their praises to God outside my bedroom window in the dark and perhaps the occasional car that might drive down the road. But inside the house it's quiet, which means I have time to think and blog. (Insert Smirk/chuckle here) Don't really know if thinking is a blessing or a curse sometimes, because I tend to think things to death and get no where with it.

Sighs, I have so much inside screaming to get out, yet I sit here with fingers that are frozen in position ready and waiting to stroke the keyboard. Nothing, but babbling is being released...WHY? Why do I do this, Why do I recoil from opening up...even in a safe haven of a blog? A blog in a cyber land that I control, I monitor who knows my identity so that I can release with out shame or guilt what ever (good or bad) is needed to get out....and yet I still am walled up, I still can't find the....release. Why? Sighs.

UGH....really, I just want to write with no worries, no judgements, no fear of being ridiculed or shunned for the things I say. I want my voice to be heard, not silenced. Yet it seems the only one keeping me silent is me...Why? Why am I afraid to speak? Is it because then I am held accountable for my words? No, that isn't it, I don't mind being held accountable for my life....I have learned to be over the years and being accountable for my life isn't a bad thing...it gives me the power to change what is bad to make it good (with God's help and leading of course). So then what is it that is causing me to keep silent?

I was asked to write what God has done in my life for me and three weeks later I still have a blank paper/screen. Not because God hasn't done for me. He has done so much, more then I deserve. The faithfulness of God has been evident daily in many areas of my life since I made the choice to walk intimately with Him in this personal relationship between us. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful/thankful for Who God has been in my life as well as what He has done for me..so why can't I open up and publicly share what God has done in my life? Who He has been to me??
     I am not ashamed of anything in my life. I have made mistakes, I have failed, I have rebelled, but my heart always asks God for forgiveness with the intent not to repeat the same mistake, or fail in the same area again as well as not carry a rebellious spirit. Will I repeat, probably but not intentionally or habitually. I may repeat out of struggling with not doing it that I end up doing it but I will not consciously be found making the same oopsies in life. Do I go around publicly announcing my mistakes or that I have failed, of course not..I am not one who seeks direct attention. Truth is I hate being in the spot light. I hate having attention drawn to me and having "all eyes on me" for any reason. Makes me uncomfortable, yet I have been told I am a wonderful speaker, eloquent with words, carry myself confidently while in the moment of the spot light.  Being the center of attention is not my comfort zone. Not a place I seek to be found. I am content lingering to the left of the stage behind the curtains or in the sound booth with the lights out of sight.

I will end this blog with my Testimony in it...if it kills me. I have 2 hours before my kid has to go to school. I then have the entire day to write continue to pursue the...words, the heart, the testimony of WHO & WHAT God is and did in my life so it can encourage others in their walk with Him.

Selah.

Oh might I add, its not procrastination either that prevents me from writing my testimony. I have made several attempts. Yet get the same result. NOTHING..BUT A BLANK SCREEN AND PAPER TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So for those who know I tend to procrastinate....NOT on this! Giggles.

I don't want to be vague when I release my testimony but I don't want to leave any part out. I want to capture it in such a way that when released it "leaves folks having tasted and seen how good God really is" because that is what He has been to me.  I want to bring it across to others in the same way or close to the same way as I encountered it. So it is not mere words that fall to the ground but an instrument/tool in the life of others so they too can have an encounter with God and experience a testimony all their own. So why is this so hard to do? Giggles yet sighs

So here is my Testimony:

Extreme Make Over

I once was lost unable to find my way,

Like the blind wandering in the dark,

Is what I was on a road to death,

Til the day I stumbled upon a cross,

Where Jesus had hung way back when,

To pay for my sins I would commit,

I bowed my knee and said come in,

He heard my plea and met me just as I had came,

For my blindness He gave me sight,

To my wounded heart He made it whole,

My sins He did forgive,

The garments of old He did exchange,

No longer bound but now I am free,

From out of the ashes He brought me,

Molded and Made me Beautiful in His image,

I do see a reflection of Him in me,

Perfect I am NOT,

Yet more like Christ I AM,

What once had me bound,

I have been set free from,

Where it was dark,

I now have light,

His blood did more then cleanse me,

more then covered my sins,

gave more then an identity,

left more of an impression then you know,

It revealed Gods heart for me & to me,

It spoke a Love language all its own,

It captivated me and left me to behold,

The splendor of who God is,

Just what Jesus did for me,

That all I need is found in Him,

I encountered more that day then just salvation,

I became intimate with THE GREAT I AM,

Who has been able to live up to His name,

He meets with me for more then a late night rondayvoo,

I have a love all my own who is more then just,

A Father to me He has been,

A Friend who has always remained,

My Savior who laid down his life for me,

My Redeemer who gave me a resurrected life, 

My Lord, My King, to no other will I bow my knee,

 

He has been my provider, strength, comfort and guide,

When I needed help, He showed up right on time,

I have been Captivated by His love,

Consumed by His Mercy,

Clothed with His Grace,

Engrossed with His heart, 

Delighted by the freedom I now have,

I can spread my wings and fly,

I have no fears,

I move forward in His ways,

Helping others to the foot of the cross,

To experience more then a sight to behold,

But to encounter the power that enables one to live,

Loving not from the worlds definition of Love,

But out of the Divine Nature of God,

Displayed through Grace released from the cross,

Personal and Intimate awaiting for you as well.

I think I have completed the mission I set out to accomplish today. My testimony is written. Might not be in the form expected but it does in deed capture and is not vague! I sit her smiling as I reflect on how good it feels to have done this. Now to re-read it and reflect on who God has been to me! That is the true testimony..not what I have been through but who and what God is for me!

For a testimony is to bring glory to God, not a person, situation or moment in time...but to exault God so others can know Him and encounter a personal relationship with Him all their own.

*Chow til next time!

Part 3 of Walking the Path to Adoption

So My sister is due in a few weeks. Wow how time is flying fast. She has met the man and woman she going to be giving her daughter to a few weeks ago. She says they are nice and will raise the little girl with much more then she feels she can offer. She also said they are willing to allow us the family to have pictures and stay in contact with them and the little girl in the future! This is a major bonus if it is followed through!!!

I realize the real reason that it bothers me that she has chosen this avenue rather then stepping out and keeping the baby to raise as her own. It has to do with back 7 years ago when I got pregnant. I was not married, I wasn't ready for a child nor did I want one out of wed lock, however God always seems to know what is best for us and His way is always followed despite how we try to do it our own...You see, I seriously considered adoption for my situation, however I ended up not going through with it out of guilt and maybe conviction or even condemnation..I am not really sure but I often wonder if keeping my daughter was the right choice because of all that has occurred over the 7 years and the struggle I have had raising her on my own. Sighs, truth is, I didn't have the courage to let go, to give up my child into the hands of others for a permanent decision. So I felt it was best to swallow my guilt, swallow my shame and all that I was feeling and step out in faith and start the journey as being a single mom, trusting that God would lead me every step. And he has! smiles, He really has been my strength, my peace, my guide in raising her and being a mom.

I wouldn't go back in time and do anything different if I had to do it over. I just realize my sister is stronger then I in this area and she has more confidence when it comes to being able to let go and say good-bye. I commend her for it! I really do. I have never been able to let go of people in my life, let folks walk away or out of my world with out fighting to keep them in. I don't know if that is good or a bad thing. Sometimes I really wonder. But never the less, my sister has been given characteristic traits I don't have and I guess I'm a tad bit envious. But at the same token I know she feels the same way about me....but may never admit it...that is where we differ I guess. 

I talked to my sister the other day and she agreed to allow me and my daughter to come see the baby when she is born. She also said we can take pictures and stuff of baby! So this is making it easier for me to grasp that I will have a niece who will grow up maybe never knowing our family. But I have to trust that God will bring us back together....in His time.

Words Weave Garments...What Are You Tailoring??

So I recently wrote a blog about the webs we weave with our words....and it was dealing with lies...I want to explore today with this blog the idea that perhaps our words do more then weave webs....Lets ponder the idea that our words also can weave a garment that covers as well! Words create unseen pictures to the natural eye, however it paints seen pictures to the spiritual eye. Words have the power of life and death in them....life that creates and death that destroys...That is why it is said that out of the abundance of your heart your mouth will speak. The abundance is the place of over flow...perhaps this could be our mind...the storehouse for our heart....Which is why it's important to meditate on what is good and to cast down every negative thought...because thoughts not acted on die unborn....
Think about it...where does offense start? In our heart...No in our mind...what is birthed from offense? Anger, gossip, malicious acts to those who have offended you....offense holds you in bondage, it creates words to be spoken that rest upon the one who offended you as a garment...a garment of heaviness that causes them to live in bondage to you as the master....which is not what God wants for them or you...we are to live at peace with all people if possible...slavery isn't a peaceful situation neither is being the hard task master....

What I am trying to say is that Our words and acts are threads clean and beautiful or stained and blemished, according to their moral character. Thus we are for ever weaving, and the web that we make our souls must wear in eternity. How important it is that we put into this fabric only threads of immortal beauty! If we do God’s will always, and train ourselves to think over God’s thoughts, and to receive into our heart the influences of God’s love and grace, and to yield ever and only to God’s Spirit, we shall weave for our souls a seamless robe of righteousness which shall appear radiant and lovely when all earth's garments have faded and crumbled to dust.

These same robes of righteousness we create for ourselves are the same ones we create for others by the words we speak about them...We are to be preferring others over our self and be like iron sharpening iron with our words. We are not to be tearing down, gossiping or causing others to be wearing garments that are stained or blemished by our words...Speaking ill of another, lying about them, degrading them are just some ways we weave garments stained for others to wear. Speaking out of offense and anger (with or without just-able cause)  are other ways we weave garments with our words for others that are not pretty. The most radiant garment you can wear out side of the one woven with God's Glory is the garment created by another persons words. For the Bible commands us to love others as we love our self....perhaps the reason so many peoples words weave garments that carry weight of death or even bondage is because they do not love themselves first....so they have no idea how to really love others. So let me encourage you to look at the garments others are wearing that they have woven for themselves by the words in which they speak about their own life...if they are beautiful garments radiating with life and color then perhaps this person knows how to love and can weave for you a garment of beauty with their words...These are the people to get up and around...People who prefer others over self and this is evident in how they speak of one another....not with words of enticement, flattery or impure motives but out of LOVE....a place that knows not offense, knows how to be iron sharpening iron, knows how to weave with their words garments of life for others and not death....knows how to endure a wrong, knows how to be long suffering... Read 1 Cor 13 (the love chapter)

For what one does in secret will be revealed openly...even in the studio of a tailor...the seamstress works on sketches and ideas for garments in their studio and brings the finished product to the floor for critiquing/revealing....lots of thought, detail and time is put into the garment they are sketching...ooh how the Body of Christ could learn this lesson when it comes to weaving garments with our words.....Instead of running to others when things don't go our way..we should run to Abba Father (God) and let speak to him about the situation, people for when we do, our words don't weave garments for others, for it is He who makes all things new..and while our words have power to create a garment for the ones we speak of, He is the master tailor and turns our words into a covering for that person...Hence where love covers a multitude of sin comes into play...God is a tailor who designs His garments to not just be worn but to cover from head to toe the one wearing them...Hence why it is so important to allow what He says about us weave us our garments to wear.
So let me have you Selah and ask this question...what garments are you weaving with your words for others to wear? Garments of covering or garments of death?

As I was birthing this blog for several weeks, God was doing something internally in me that will be revealed at a later time....but it was Yesterdays message that confirmed to me that I must release this blog because we are coming into a season where offense will be running ramped and how we respond will determine what garments are weaved by our words for us and others...Also we are living in a season of recovery for a season of discovery and it is crucial that we are aware of what comes out of our mouth every given minute. It is time to speak words of life that weave garments of beauty for others and our self. Even Lazarus was commanded to take off the garments of the grave (death) and put on garments of life when Jesus raised him from the dead....Jesus was stripped of his garments of life as he was nailed to the cross to put on the garments of death that were weaved by words of crucifixion by the "religious" and the pharisees. However, when He rose from the grave He had been given garments of life weaved by the words of His father. Selah

The world was created by words spoken...drops of water were weaved together to create oceans, seas and rivers by the words spoke by God. It was particles being woven together by the voice of God as He spoke these words; "let there be light" into the atmosphere. How much more should our words be weaving together.....for the Glory of God...not for the tearing down of others. Remember there is life and death in the power of the tongue....so choose words wisely and carefully for we will have to give account of all words spoken when we stand before God on our judgement day....not for the words of others..but the words that come out of our mouth.....so choose today to start weaving garments of covering, life and beauty for yourself and others and as you do Love will begin to defuse offense from operating in your life..and causing you to live in bondage...because all offense does is set you up for death....NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM OFFENSE. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WEAVING GARMENTS WITH WORDS OF NEGATIVITY!

WORDS HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE DESTINY OR DESTROY DESTINY!

Take time to invest value and thought into each word that comes from your lips so that you weave a garment of covering (life) for those around you....choose to wear the garments woven by the words of God and others who see value in weaving garments of covering, life and honor for you!

Inner Twined Webs Weaved by Words

Took some time to reflect and write from a place that I have not wanted to tap into til recently. Some of these you will find to be sad, others happy, others profound and the rest well...this is one blog/note that will leave you assuming when really you just need to take it for what it is....and that IT is moments of my life put on display unashamedly so that others can see they aren't alone...SO don't read to much into this...some of these were wrote in years gone by:

You say you don't love me but that you just care about me.
Why are you holding back from loving me and why don't  or can't you love me?
Is it because you are too afraid of what love means?
Are you afraid of the word, love?
Love shouldn't be something that's feared.
Love shouldn't be over thought, it should be felt.
People change but some qualities remain.
Even with the change they are still the same.
A part of them remains and should be loved the same way.
Life is change and you change with it or die in it.
Love is a hope to survive.
Love is a desire to live.
Love remains the sole hope to keep those qualities in a  person most cherished and admired.

A person can make you feel high,
A person can make you feel low.
But only you can decide,
Which way you want to go.
A person can hurt you mentally,
A person can hurt you physically.
But only you can place,
A limit on your abilities.
A person can cause drama,
A person can cause a situation.
But only you can create,
Your own reputation.
A person can make you laugh,
A person can make you cry.
But only you can make,
Decisions for your life.
I guess what I am trying to say,
That when you are living day to day.
Do not live by what people do,
But live by what you know is true.

A true friend is the one who picks you up when you fall
A true friend is one that won't lie
A true friend is there when you call
A true friend is there when you want to die
A true friend knows just what to say
A true friend won't care what other people think
A true friend will help you find your way
A true friend will make sure you don't sink
A true friend will help you choose your path
A true friend will know when something is wrong
A true friend has to sometimes face your wrath
A true friend makes you feel like you belong

Guess I am just in a mood to bring some things out of archives and be reminded of somethings as I lay my head down to sleep.

I can't handle it..I want out..I want to walk away say good bye and not look back. I want to cut the ties, I want to stop loving him. I want to stop caring, I want to scream!!!!

Maybe its the voice of rejection laughing loudly in my ear right now while whispering "ha ha, I won again, you ugly fat poor excuse for a woman" in my ears. Maybe it's the fact that the illusions of "us" being a couple have just ended due to hearing the truth. Whatever the case I am angry and hurt...I don't get it...I don't get the words spoken, the actions that were done...I open my heart against better judgement and now I am left with broken pieces. 

I should of known better then to love a friend....I should of known better then to open my heart to him....before he opened his...never again...I am done...I quit. I refuse to be hurt anymore...and then to be told "I just want to be friends, your my best friend I don't want to loose that." Piss on that...how does he expect me to look at him and be around him when my heart is full of love for him that grows more and more for him as days go by? How can he expect to ______ ______ _____ ______  and me be okay emotionally? I mean SERIOUSLY?

The sad part is I love him so much, I'd rather have him as a friend then loose him all together....and so I will suck it up, live in misery and enjoy the friendship...My heart has been broken many times. My emotions and mentality have been mangled, torn to shreds. I'm just a pile of worthless pieces that have been used and broken so much that no longer holds value. I walk among reality in this broken, tangled, painful, mangled void of a body!

My loses cannot be forgotten, their traces can never be hidden, THEY OWN ME! He is but one more who now owns me...sighs....I want all of me back..just wish I could gain every piece of my heart back that they took or that I gave....

A shattered heart tells many tales of times that a loved one has broken it.

Many stories of painful moments that have left a heart torn into pieces and never whole.
The gashes grow bigger with each moment it cannot undo or force itself to forget.
A heart never forgets or truly heals it only mends temporarily until another tale is born.

 Lord, you know my heart, you know my every motive. You even know my fears...you know my behaviors and my foolishness...I know I said somethings tonight in anger to him, please help me to apologize...to fix what I am breaking out of fear and ignorance. I give you this relationship/friendship and ask you to make it new...don't let what could be, become a what if because we both are acting out of past hurts and wounds yet not healed...Help me have the stamina, tenacity and strength to endure to the end in all of this with him..I ain't jumping ship and bailing on him now...even if I am impatient...help me have patients...please...

Over the years I have learned that the only one I can run too in each of the above times is God...I have learned that guarding my heart is important and that no one should be able to enter my heart without first seeking God. Any man who is to be with me from now on has to first be in God...He has to pursue God to find me...I won't settle for any man I am not worthy of...I am a Princess and my days of kissing frogs was over back some time ago. I am waiting for my Prince..I know he is out there...but I think he is getting his armor polished or slaying his dragons before he comes knocking on my door. I realize that my prince could be like Shrek, have some history or some "unlovely parts" for there is no perfect man and I am far from perfect myself, but I will except that about my Prince and I will love all of him for who God has made him..He will staff my weak areas with his strengths and I will do the same for him. He will be the peanut butter and I will be the jelly to the sandwich we were meant to create! Giggle giggles...

So it is 2:43 in the morning and my daughter is awake, she woke up about 10 minutes ago to go potty and found her way to my room where she climbed in the bed and started laughing after going back to sleep...so of course this curious mommy wanted to know what was funny, so I started talking to her, she woke up and wanted to know why I was waking her up. Now she is wide eyed awake talking about school and silly things. We both are giggling and making ruckus in the dark (well with the computer light) as I type this.

So since my train of thought was derailed I guess I should say goodnight to those who are making their way to dreamland and good morning to those who are awaking for their day. In either case, I am off of here and gonna snuggle down in my bed, 7:30am comes early!

Again this is a collection of random thoughts that are just that...so if you want to assume then it just shows how much of a (take the first 3 letters of assume and you have your answer of what you are if you assume) something that is not really here! Yes I was direct just now, but sometimes I have to be to put some readers in check because they have a perception problem and they need a wake up to reality check....called TRUTH....THAT THIS BLOG/NOTE IS A COLLECTION OF PRIOR THOUGHTS.....IN RANDOM ORDER....AND IF I DIDN'T GET THEM OUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ROOM FOR NEW, FRESH, THOUGHTS THAT HAVE DEEPER PURPOSE THEN RANDOM BABBLING LIKE THIS ONE!!!

however there will be those readers who can relate and to you....chin up and call on God because He was and is who I run to in my dark times...He is who I run to when have times of feeling unloved or not valuable...I find my love and value in Him...and who I am in Him and you can too! He loves you too! God believes in you, and sees much value with in you too! He created you in His image and God is AWESOME...SO THAT MAKES YOU AWESOME TOO!

*chow