To My Bestie.....

Your eyes are a window
Your soul is cold
Lies are all you spew
like a venom that kills
I am not weak prey
did you really think
I'd let you stay
blink my eyes at your lies
Standing up to speak truth
I refuse to be hurt anymore

take a look write a book
I am walking away
putting distance between us
I am not feeble you fool
I am not weak so find another to drool

webs you weave so tight and binding
even you have become a victim
I pity you yet I've tried to lend a helping hand
only to be used and abused
save your bologna I don't want to hear it
so be a dear and just be real
no more lies, no more manipulation, no more drama

Is this good-bye you ask
No is my reply
but not because I can't stay away
but because I believe in you,
I believe in our friendship,

Some say I am a fool to stay,
Others say I should stray,
but regardless of the voices
It is my choice to make
Do I take a risk and make a break,
or do I take the risk
To awaken to a new day with you in my life

I can't handle the strife,
It cuts like a knife,
I know I will never be your wife,
for you won't let your heart love me like that,
It tears me apart to think your walking out
saying good-bye and leaving me to cry
I try to be strong, hold on and believe
but I feel like a pong being tossed across the table
It would be freeing to truly know your heart
with no walls, no lies, no mask no fears
open up and dare to believe I am here to help set you free!

This is my best friend...the one who I love dearly...He has taught me so much about men and how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Yet in a blink of an eye our friendship has been severed and I really do not know how to fix it....I know he is worth fighting for and I believe in him more then anyone and anything....I just wish he'd see that I am not a crazy school girl with a crush, or infatuated with him because I am needy or desperate....I wish he would see what I see in him and stop surrounding himself with folks who bring him down....and arise to the place where he no longer lets his past dictate his future and he sees he is nothing like the old him...and he has become a new person better then the old....and walk in all that God has for him!

It hurts that he is phasing me out....and I know not why!

Can we give it one more try? 

Cross Vision

It is almost 6 am and I am awake. Wide awake to be exact. I was awakened about 3 am when my daughter came into my room to tell me she had an accident in her sleep and needed help changing her sheets on her bed. She is young and couldn't do it by herself so I got up to help her. She is back in bed sleeping while I am now left awake. Giggles.

It's quiet...and dark. Well the only noise is the sound of birds singing their praises to God outside my bedroom window in the dark and perhaps the occasional car that might drive down the road. But inside the house it's quiet, which means I have time to think and blog. (Insert Smirk/chuckle here) Don't really know if thinking is a blessing or a curse sometimes, because I tend to think things to death and get no where with it.

Sighs, I have so much inside screaming to get out, yet I sit here with fingers that are frozen in position ready and waiting to stroke the keyboard. Nothing, but babbling is being released...WHY? Why do I do this, Why do I recoil from opening up...even in a safe haven of a blog? A blog in a cyber land that I control, I monitor who knows my identity so that I can release with out shame or guilt what ever (good or bad) is needed to get out....and yet I still am walled up, I still can't find the....release. Why? Sighs.

UGH....really, I just want to write with no worries, no judgements, no fear of being ridiculed or shunned for the things I say. I want my voice to be heard, not silenced. Yet it seems the only one keeping me silent is me...Why? Why am I afraid to speak? Is it because then I am held accountable for my words? No, that isn't it, I don't mind being held accountable for my life....I have learned to be over the years and being accountable for my life isn't a bad thing...it gives me the power to change what is bad to make it good (with God's help and leading of course). So then what is it that is causing me to keep silent?

I was asked to write what God has done in my life for me and three weeks later I still have a blank paper/screen. Not because God hasn't done for me. He has done so much, more then I deserve. The faithfulness of God has been evident daily in many areas of my life since I made the choice to walk intimately with Him in this personal relationship between us. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful/thankful for Who God has been in my life as well as what He has done for me..so why can't I open up and publicly share what God has done in my life? Who He has been to me??
     I am not ashamed of anything in my life. I have made mistakes, I have failed, I have rebelled, but my heart always asks God for forgiveness with the intent not to repeat the same mistake, or fail in the same area again as well as not carry a rebellious spirit. Will I repeat, probably but not intentionally or habitually. I may repeat out of struggling with not doing it that I end up doing it but I will not consciously be found making the same oopsies in life. Do I go around publicly announcing my mistakes or that I have failed, of course not..I am not one who seeks direct attention. Truth is I hate being in the spot light. I hate having attention drawn to me and having "all eyes on me" for any reason. Makes me uncomfortable, yet I have been told I am a wonderful speaker, eloquent with words, carry myself confidently while in the moment of the spot light.  Being the center of attention is not my comfort zone. Not a place I seek to be found. I am content lingering to the left of the stage behind the curtains or in the sound booth with the lights out of sight.

I will end this blog with my Testimony in it...if it kills me. I have 2 hours before my kid has to go to school. I then have the entire day to write continue to pursue the...words, the heart, the testimony of WHO & WHAT God is and did in my life so it can encourage others in their walk with Him.

Selah.

Oh might I add, its not procrastination either that prevents me from writing my testimony. I have made several attempts. Yet get the same result. NOTHING..BUT A BLANK SCREEN AND PAPER TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So for those who know I tend to procrastinate....NOT on this! Giggles.

I don't want to be vague when I release my testimony but I don't want to leave any part out. I want to capture it in such a way that when released it "leaves folks having tasted and seen how good God really is" because that is what He has been to me.  I want to bring it across to others in the same way or close to the same way as I encountered it. So it is not mere words that fall to the ground but an instrument/tool in the life of others so they too can have an encounter with God and experience a testimony all their own. So why is this so hard to do? Giggles yet sighs

So here is my Testimony:

Extreme Make Over

I once was lost unable to find my way,

Like the blind wandering in the dark,

Is what I was on a road to death,

Til the day I stumbled upon a cross,

Where Jesus had hung way back when,

To pay for my sins I would commit,

I bowed my knee and said come in,

He heard my plea and met me just as I had came,

For my blindness He gave me sight,

To my wounded heart He made it whole,

My sins He did forgive,

The garments of old He did exchange,

No longer bound but now I am free,

From out of the ashes He brought me,

Molded and Made me Beautiful in His image,

I do see a reflection of Him in me,

Perfect I am NOT,

Yet more like Christ I AM,

What once had me bound,

I have been set free from,

Where it was dark,

I now have light,

His blood did more then cleanse me,

more then covered my sins,

gave more then an identity,

left more of an impression then you know,

It revealed Gods heart for me & to me,

It spoke a Love language all its own,

It captivated me and left me to behold,

The splendor of who God is,

Just what Jesus did for me,

That all I need is found in Him,

I encountered more that day then just salvation,

I became intimate with THE GREAT I AM,

Who has been able to live up to His name,

He meets with me for more then a late night rondayvoo,

I have a love all my own who is more then just,

A Father to me He has been,

A Friend who has always remained,

My Savior who laid down his life for me,

My Redeemer who gave me a resurrected life, 

My Lord, My King, to no other will I bow my knee,

 

He has been my provider, strength, comfort and guide,

When I needed help, He showed up right on time,

I have been Captivated by His love,

Consumed by His Mercy,

Clothed with His Grace,

Engrossed with His heart, 

Delighted by the freedom I now have,

I can spread my wings and fly,

I have no fears,

I move forward in His ways,

Helping others to the foot of the cross,

To experience more then a sight to behold,

But to encounter the power that enables one to live,

Loving not from the worlds definition of Love,

But out of the Divine Nature of God,

Displayed through Grace released from the cross,

Personal and Intimate awaiting for you as well.

I think I have completed the mission I set out to accomplish today. My testimony is written. Might not be in the form expected but it does in deed capture and is not vague! I sit her smiling as I reflect on how good it feels to have done this. Now to re-read it and reflect on who God has been to me! That is the true testimony..not what I have been through but who and what God is for me!

For a testimony is to bring glory to God, not a person, situation or moment in time...but to exault God so others can know Him and encounter a personal relationship with Him all their own.

*Chow til next time!

Part 3 of Walking the Path to Adoption

So My sister is due in a few weeks. Wow how time is flying fast. She has met the man and woman she going to be giving her daughter to a few weeks ago. She says they are nice and will raise the little girl with much more then she feels she can offer. She also said they are willing to allow us the family to have pictures and stay in contact with them and the little girl in the future! This is a major bonus if it is followed through!!!

I realize the real reason that it bothers me that she has chosen this avenue rather then stepping out and keeping the baby to raise as her own. It has to do with back 7 years ago when I got pregnant. I was not married, I wasn't ready for a child nor did I want one out of wed lock, however God always seems to know what is best for us and His way is always followed despite how we try to do it our own...You see, I seriously considered adoption for my situation, however I ended up not going through with it out of guilt and maybe conviction or even condemnation..I am not really sure but I often wonder if keeping my daughter was the right choice because of all that has occurred over the 7 years and the struggle I have had raising her on my own. Sighs, truth is, I didn't have the courage to let go, to give up my child into the hands of others for a permanent decision. So I felt it was best to swallow my guilt, swallow my shame and all that I was feeling and step out in faith and start the journey as being a single mom, trusting that God would lead me every step. And he has! smiles, He really has been my strength, my peace, my guide in raising her and being a mom.

I wouldn't go back in time and do anything different if I had to do it over. I just realize my sister is stronger then I in this area and she has more confidence when it comes to being able to let go and say good-bye. I commend her for it! I really do. I have never been able to let go of people in my life, let folks walk away or out of my world with out fighting to keep them in. I don't know if that is good or a bad thing. Sometimes I really wonder. But never the less, my sister has been given characteristic traits I don't have and I guess I'm a tad bit envious. But at the same token I know she feels the same way about me....but may never admit it...that is where we differ I guess. 

I talked to my sister the other day and she agreed to allow me and my daughter to come see the baby when she is born. She also said we can take pictures and stuff of baby! So this is making it easier for me to grasp that I will have a niece who will grow up maybe never knowing our family. But I have to trust that God will bring us back together....in His time.

Words Weave Garments...What Are You Tailoring??

So I recently wrote a blog about the webs we weave with our words....and it was dealing with lies...I want to explore today with this blog the idea that perhaps our words do more then weave webs....Lets ponder the idea that our words also can weave a garment that covers as well! Words create unseen pictures to the natural eye, however it paints seen pictures to the spiritual eye. Words have the power of life and death in them....life that creates and death that destroys...That is why it is said that out of the abundance of your heart your mouth will speak. The abundance is the place of over flow...perhaps this could be our mind...the storehouse for our heart....Which is why it's important to meditate on what is good and to cast down every negative thought...because thoughts not acted on die unborn....
Think about it...where does offense start? In our heart...No in our mind...what is birthed from offense? Anger, gossip, malicious acts to those who have offended you....offense holds you in bondage, it creates words to be spoken that rest upon the one who offended you as a garment...a garment of heaviness that causes them to live in bondage to you as the master....which is not what God wants for them or you...we are to live at peace with all people if possible...slavery isn't a peaceful situation neither is being the hard task master....

What I am trying to say is that Our words and acts are threads clean and beautiful or stained and blemished, according to their moral character. Thus we are for ever weaving, and the web that we make our souls must wear in eternity. How important it is that we put into this fabric only threads of immortal beauty! If we do God’s will always, and train ourselves to think over God’s thoughts, and to receive into our heart the influences of God’s love and grace, and to yield ever and only to God’s Spirit, we shall weave for our souls a seamless robe of righteousness which shall appear radiant and lovely when all earth's garments have faded and crumbled to dust.

These same robes of righteousness we create for ourselves are the same ones we create for others by the words we speak about them...We are to be preferring others over our self and be like iron sharpening iron with our words. We are not to be tearing down, gossiping or causing others to be wearing garments that are stained or blemished by our words...Speaking ill of another, lying about them, degrading them are just some ways we weave garments stained for others to wear. Speaking out of offense and anger (with or without just-able cause)  are other ways we weave garments with our words for others that are not pretty. The most radiant garment you can wear out side of the one woven with God's Glory is the garment created by another persons words. For the Bible commands us to love others as we love our self....perhaps the reason so many peoples words weave garments that carry weight of death or even bondage is because they do not love themselves first....so they have no idea how to really love others. So let me encourage you to look at the garments others are wearing that they have woven for themselves by the words in which they speak about their own life...if they are beautiful garments radiating with life and color then perhaps this person knows how to love and can weave for you a garment of beauty with their words...These are the people to get up and around...People who prefer others over self and this is evident in how they speak of one another....not with words of enticement, flattery or impure motives but out of LOVE....a place that knows not offense, knows how to be iron sharpening iron, knows how to weave with their words garments of life for others and not death....knows how to endure a wrong, knows how to be long suffering... Read 1 Cor 13 (the love chapter)

For what one does in secret will be revealed openly...even in the studio of a tailor...the seamstress works on sketches and ideas for garments in their studio and brings the finished product to the floor for critiquing/revealing....lots of thought, detail and time is put into the garment they are sketching...ooh how the Body of Christ could learn this lesson when it comes to weaving garments with our words.....Instead of running to others when things don't go our way..we should run to Abba Father (God) and let speak to him about the situation, people for when we do, our words don't weave garments for others, for it is He who makes all things new..and while our words have power to create a garment for the ones we speak of, He is the master tailor and turns our words into a covering for that person...Hence where love covers a multitude of sin comes into play...God is a tailor who designs His garments to not just be worn but to cover from head to toe the one wearing them...Hence why it is so important to allow what He says about us weave us our garments to wear.
So let me have you Selah and ask this question...what garments are you weaving with your words for others to wear? Garments of covering or garments of death?

As I was birthing this blog for several weeks, God was doing something internally in me that will be revealed at a later time....but it was Yesterdays message that confirmed to me that I must release this blog because we are coming into a season where offense will be running ramped and how we respond will determine what garments are weaved by our words for us and others...Also we are living in a season of recovery for a season of discovery and it is crucial that we are aware of what comes out of our mouth every given minute. It is time to speak words of life that weave garments of beauty for others and our self. Even Lazarus was commanded to take off the garments of the grave (death) and put on garments of life when Jesus raised him from the dead....Jesus was stripped of his garments of life as he was nailed to the cross to put on the garments of death that were weaved by words of crucifixion by the "religious" and the pharisees. However, when He rose from the grave He had been given garments of life weaved by the words of His father. Selah

The world was created by words spoken...drops of water were weaved together to create oceans, seas and rivers by the words spoke by God. It was particles being woven together by the voice of God as He spoke these words; "let there be light" into the atmosphere. How much more should our words be weaving together.....for the Glory of God...not for the tearing down of others. Remember there is life and death in the power of the tongue....so choose words wisely and carefully for we will have to give account of all words spoken when we stand before God on our judgement day....not for the words of others..but the words that come out of our mouth.....so choose today to start weaving garments of covering, life and beauty for yourself and others and as you do Love will begin to defuse offense from operating in your life..and causing you to live in bondage...because all offense does is set you up for death....NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM OFFENSE. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WEAVING GARMENTS WITH WORDS OF NEGATIVITY!

WORDS HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE DESTINY OR DESTROY DESTINY!

Take time to invest value and thought into each word that comes from your lips so that you weave a garment of covering (life) for those around you....choose to wear the garments woven by the words of God and others who see value in weaving garments of covering, life and honor for you!

Inner Twined Webs Weaved by Words

Took some time to reflect and write from a place that I have not wanted to tap into til recently. Some of these you will find to be sad, others happy, others profound and the rest well...this is one blog/note that will leave you assuming when really you just need to take it for what it is....and that IT is moments of my life put on display unashamedly so that others can see they aren't alone...SO don't read to much into this...some of these were wrote in years gone by:

You say you don't love me but that you just care about me.
Why are you holding back from loving me and why don't  or can't you love me?
Is it because you are too afraid of what love means?
Are you afraid of the word, love?
Love shouldn't be something that's feared.
Love shouldn't be over thought, it should be felt.
People change but some qualities remain.
Even with the change they are still the same.
A part of them remains and should be loved the same way.
Life is change and you change with it or die in it.
Love is a hope to survive.
Love is a desire to live.
Love remains the sole hope to keep those qualities in a  person most cherished and admired.

A person can make you feel high,
A person can make you feel low.
But only you can decide,
Which way you want to go.
A person can hurt you mentally,
A person can hurt you physically.
But only you can place,
A limit on your abilities.
A person can cause drama,
A person can cause a situation.
But only you can create,
Your own reputation.
A person can make you laugh,
A person can make you cry.
But only you can make,
Decisions for your life.
I guess what I am trying to say,
That when you are living day to day.
Do not live by what people do,
But live by what you know is true.

A true friend is the one who picks you up when you fall
A true friend is one that won't lie
A true friend is there when you call
A true friend is there when you want to die
A true friend knows just what to say
A true friend won't care what other people think
A true friend will help you find your way
A true friend will make sure you don't sink
A true friend will help you choose your path
A true friend will know when something is wrong
A true friend has to sometimes face your wrath
A true friend makes you feel like you belong

Guess I am just in a mood to bring some things out of archives and be reminded of somethings as I lay my head down to sleep.

I can't handle it..I want out..I want to walk away say good bye and not look back. I want to cut the ties, I want to stop loving him. I want to stop caring, I want to scream!!!!

Maybe its the voice of rejection laughing loudly in my ear right now while whispering "ha ha, I won again, you ugly fat poor excuse for a woman" in my ears. Maybe it's the fact that the illusions of "us" being a couple have just ended due to hearing the truth. Whatever the case I am angry and hurt...I don't get it...I don't get the words spoken, the actions that were done...I open my heart against better judgement and now I am left with broken pieces. 

I should of known better then to love a friend....I should of known better then to open my heart to him....before he opened his...never again...I am done...I quit. I refuse to be hurt anymore...and then to be told "I just want to be friends, your my best friend I don't want to loose that." Piss on that...how does he expect me to look at him and be around him when my heart is full of love for him that grows more and more for him as days go by? How can he expect to ______ ______ _____ ______  and me be okay emotionally? I mean SERIOUSLY?

The sad part is I love him so much, I'd rather have him as a friend then loose him all together....and so I will suck it up, live in misery and enjoy the friendship...My heart has been broken many times. My emotions and mentality have been mangled, torn to shreds. I'm just a pile of worthless pieces that have been used and broken so much that no longer holds value. I walk among reality in this broken, tangled, painful, mangled void of a body!

My loses cannot be forgotten, their traces can never be hidden, THEY OWN ME! He is but one more who now owns me...sighs....I want all of me back..just wish I could gain every piece of my heart back that they took or that I gave....

A shattered heart tells many tales of times that a loved one has broken it.

Many stories of painful moments that have left a heart torn into pieces and never whole.
The gashes grow bigger with each moment it cannot undo or force itself to forget.
A heart never forgets or truly heals it only mends temporarily until another tale is born.

 Lord, you know my heart, you know my every motive. You even know my fears...you know my behaviors and my foolishness...I know I said somethings tonight in anger to him, please help me to apologize...to fix what I am breaking out of fear and ignorance. I give you this relationship/friendship and ask you to make it new...don't let what could be, become a what if because we both are acting out of past hurts and wounds yet not healed...Help me have the stamina, tenacity and strength to endure to the end in all of this with him..I ain't jumping ship and bailing on him now...even if I am impatient...help me have patients...please...

Over the years I have learned that the only one I can run too in each of the above times is God...I have learned that guarding my heart is important and that no one should be able to enter my heart without first seeking God. Any man who is to be with me from now on has to first be in God...He has to pursue God to find me...I won't settle for any man I am not worthy of...I am a Princess and my days of kissing frogs was over back some time ago. I am waiting for my Prince..I know he is out there...but I think he is getting his armor polished or slaying his dragons before he comes knocking on my door. I realize that my prince could be like Shrek, have some history or some "unlovely parts" for there is no perfect man and I am far from perfect myself, but I will except that about my Prince and I will love all of him for who God has made him..He will staff my weak areas with his strengths and I will do the same for him. He will be the peanut butter and I will be the jelly to the sandwich we were meant to create! Giggle giggles...

So it is 2:43 in the morning and my daughter is awake, she woke up about 10 minutes ago to go potty and found her way to my room where she climbed in the bed and started laughing after going back to sleep...so of course this curious mommy wanted to know what was funny, so I started talking to her, she woke up and wanted to know why I was waking her up. Now she is wide eyed awake talking about school and silly things. We both are giggling and making ruckus in the dark (well with the computer light) as I type this.

So since my train of thought was derailed I guess I should say goodnight to those who are making their way to dreamland and good morning to those who are awaking for their day. In either case, I am off of here and gonna snuggle down in my bed, 7:30am comes early!

Again this is a collection of random thoughts that are just that...so if you want to assume then it just shows how much of a (take the first 3 letters of assume and you have your answer of what you are if you assume) something that is not really here! Yes I was direct just now, but sometimes I have to be to put some readers in check because they have a perception problem and they need a wake up to reality check....called TRUTH....THAT THIS BLOG/NOTE IS A COLLECTION OF PRIOR THOUGHTS.....IN RANDOM ORDER....AND IF I DIDN'T GET THEM OUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ROOM FOR NEW, FRESH, THOUGHTS THAT HAVE DEEPER PURPOSE THEN RANDOM BABBLING LIKE THIS ONE!!!

however there will be those readers who can relate and to you....chin up and call on God because He was and is who I run to in my dark times...He is who I run to when have times of feeling unloved or not valuable...I find my love and value in Him...and who I am in Him and you can too! He loves you too! God believes in you, and sees much value with in you too! He created you in His image and God is AWESOME...SO THAT MAKES YOU AWESOME TOO!

*chow

Part 2 of Walking the Path to Adoption

Well, a lot has happened since I last blogged. My sister has decided she no longer wanted me to help her in the process with choosing a family for her unborn child. But before I go into that let me update you on her status. She is due in May and is having a little girl! She is still having no emotional attachment to her daughter that is growing inside of her. My sister is down right now in another state visiting a couple she has decided could be suitable parents to her unborn daughter. I still have mixed emotions about this for many reasons. So since I have to start somewhere I will start with this thought; I am grateful she didn't abort the baby. I really am! She chose to not use that avenue as a way of escape and I commend her on that! She really has grown up in her ability to make adult choices and I am so proud of her! However, I am still rather concerned for her motives of not wanting to keep this precious little girl (who is a gift from God and was a planned conception) because she chose to keep her 3 year old son (who wasn't a planned pregnancy) and is doing a great job raising him....so I know she would be a great mom to this little girl in addition to her son! I really do!!!! 

I guess, I just don't understand how a woman can carry a baby inside of her and not grow a bond with that child. I have a 7 year old little girl and while the beginning stages of my unplanned pregnancy I was emotional, was a bit unattached from my baby, I did manage to snap out of the shock state and into a position where I became attached to my baby and a bond was established. I mean my sister did it with no problems with her son so why can't she do it now with this child? Yes I have asked her these questions and the answers really have me concerned...and it saddens me when I think about it.

Her son knows she is pregnant and even though he is 3 years old, he still randomly will ask or comment about the baby in his mommy's belly. While I realize he has no concept of time, yet alone the growth cycle of his little sister growing in mommy's belly, I wonder what and how he will feel when in 2 years there is no baby considering he knows that in this present now there is. 

Then there is the case of my daughter knowing her aunt is pregnant and going to have a little girl. My daughter is 7 like I said and she is excited to have a little girl cousin to play with (even at infant age) she can't wait to help dress, feed and interact with baby girl! She also knows that my sister is considering adoption (yes she knows what that is) because my sister has no consideration of anyone else's feeling on this matter but her own and will openly talk about her process in front of my daughter. So my daughter comes to me and talks to me about the conversations she over hears or is directly talked to about...and it is breaking my daughters heart to pieces when she thinks her little cousin might never know her and knowing she may never get to meet her baby cousin...because my sister wants a closed adoption and only wants my mom there for the delivery and after birth hospital time.

Then there is my feelings that come into play....I love my nephew and I do my best (due to daily schedules) to interact with him and be in his life...so I'm excited to also experience having a niece to do the same with and the thought of not being able to do that hurts deeply. Sighs....

I realize everything happens for a reason and God never puts on us more then we can handle..I know all that, but it still hurts and leaves me a bit.....GRRRRR'D to say the least! Giggle giggles...but none the less I love my sister very much and no matter my feelings on the matter I will support her decision and pray that God open a door if she chooses to go through with adoption that we (my daughter and I) can still some how be active in this little girls life.  

I woke up with something totally different to blog about..in fact it was an awesome topic and all but I tried 3 times to write on it and well...this is what came out instead....guess I wasn't meant to suppress these feelings or thoughts....so I will now hit the publish post and go back to Facebook before I get around for my day....as if I really want to go travel these icy, snowy roads after last nights winter storm...please, I'd much rather sit here on the couch in my jammies with the throw blanket that smells like my guy friend (because it's his blanket) on me with the patio glass door open just a bit to let in a small breeze as I sit in total silence blogging and enjoying the view of everything outside looking so clean from the white snow that covers it....

so until next time my cyber blogging friends

*Chow

From Castaway to Royalty

It's 2012 and let me tell you I am glad that 2011 is over! Not for any reason other than, I am much closer to walking into the Ministry God has called me to then I was last year. You see,  I could go into all the details of what I went through in 2011 but time would escape  me so I will say this. The year of 2011 was very eye opening and a year of discovery for me in the area regarding my identity. I have always had an idea of who I was but it wasn't until 2011 that the revelation of who I was revealed to me and I began to walk knowing who I am as a child of God. This discovery also brought with it the revelation that I am equipped for all that I face here on earth despite how traumatic it may appear...because their is nothing to big for me to go through that is bigger then God who is leading me through it. You see for years I walked this journey called life having an idea of who I was but because I was trying to work for my identity I really hadn't discovered/taped into my identity. Bottom line you can never see your true identity if you are working for the identity. I can confidently say I KNOW WHO I AM...AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME DIFFERENT. Because I refuse to allow myself to be seared with a hot iron anymore. What does that mean you ask? It means this, I will not allow the enemy to keep me in a state of continual sin consciousness (a place of seeing me as a failure for mistakes I make when I have repented of them). You see, I no longer will be working for a victory but rather from a Victory! Its kind of like mathematics, if you remember you are given a problem like this 45 = b x t.
You are given the answer 45 and then have to solve the problem as you find the value of each letter symbol represented. b = 5 and t = 9... its the verse "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord put into practice. :) We are given the final answer in Revelation....WE WIN, THOSE WHO ARE WRITTEN IN THE LAMBS BOOK OF LIFE WILL ENTER INTO HEAVEN. That is an example of 45....but we are left to put into play the components that make that happen, which would be the b = 5 and the t = 9. Same with situations we face, We as God's kids know we have the VICTORY in the situation...so rather than working towards the VICTORY (5 x 9= 45) why not reverse it and walk it out from 45 (VICTORY= 5 X 9) because as you do it this way, your faith is increased, your eyes are focused on the prize (VICTORY because its already obtained) and you won't loose your stamina or tenacity as you go through the situation....

I also realized that with-in me is a fighter. Not a fighter like a street thug who fights without purpose....but rather a warrior who stands armed for battle and isn't afraid to fight when the alarm is sounded. I have learned what causes to fight for and what causes to refrain from fighting for. I fight with purpose...I realize I have a heart for RESTORATION in the lives of those who are broke down, abused, abandoned, rejected, castaways, hurt, scorned and dying. I have finally seized my calling and allowed it to seize me with out fear and am walking in it ever since October 18th 2011 (consciously.) I am sure I have walked in it from time to time prior to that date but I wasn't aware that it was restoration ministry that I was walking in. I fully know that is the "vein" God has assigned me to and I am willing to flow in it at all cost.

I have discovered that truth isn't fought for nor is it defended...It is however, revealed or exposed. You see no where do I find in the Bible that Jesus defended the truth or fought for truth...so why are we Christians going around defending and fighting for truth? We are to be like Jesus and be examples of truth or expose truth to people to see. Truth will never be revealed through defense, nor will it be exposed through fighting....but truth will be revealed and exposed as it waits patiently for an opportunity to present itself and when it does present its self it does it in a gentle, sincere, humble and meek way. The sole purpose of exposing or revealing truth is 1. to bring freedom to those who are bound by lies and deceit. and 2. to illuminate an area of darkness so that it is no longer a dark area in one's life. Hence why there is a verse in the bible that says "I am the way the truth and the light..." which is said by Jesus....and then there is a verse that says "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." which can tie in the verse that says "your truths oh Lord have I hidden in my heart that I may not sin against you." as you can see in these verses there is a sole purpose in each one of for truth and how truth is in operation. However, because many people are found behaving according to the worlds system (defending truth) hence why we have a judicial system....how I flow (revealing truth) is often said to be nothing more than craziness or even rejected because it goes against what many have been taught even in churches across the globe. Yet if we really dive into the Word of God and find out what He is saying about truth and how it should be handled we see it is never defended....hence why John the Baptist was beheaded....Paul was beat, thrown in prison, and others are known as martyrs. They went about their God given assignments revealing and exposing truth, never defending it. The life of Paul is a fine example of revealing/exposing truth....I can't seem to find anywhere in his life did he defend truth....can you?

I have also learned that every person is called to do something different, I will reach folks that others can't while others will reach folks I can't. We are not called to everyone just a somebody. By somebody I mean a select group of people who are similar in life stories but my have different personalities than others. For example, I know some folks who are Pastors of a Biker Church and they truly are called, anointed and assigned to folks in the biker lifestyle. Where I also know a Pastor who is called to minister to the African American culture. If there were to be a "Pastor Swap" I wonder how effective they'd be in the others area of assignment? Do you now see what I mean by we are called to a somebody not everybody? So I have discovered as I sought God on where I fit in, He has been showing me my place in this world....my area known as the "somebodies" I am called to. Hence why last year God gave me the name for the Ministry He has called me to birth in due season. I am in the final stages of preparation time before the birth of this ministry.....and I am in aww, at how it's all coming together....GOD REALLY DOES USE THE "FOOLISH" TO CONFINE THE WISE" because if one were to hit the rewind button on my life's journey they'd be like "say what!!!!" when they seen some of the things I did but these very same "say what moments" were orchestrated by God for me to do or go through so that I could be equipped for such a time as this and for the ministry God has assigned to me, called me to and anointed me for. So while some will question, others will embrace, some will reject and others will accept me; I will NO longer let any of that phase me. I simply will go about my Daddy's business doing that which He tags me to do and leave the others in God's hands to deal with. :) Life is too short to be focused on the negative, I must focus on what I am equipped, assigned and anointed to do...because God believes in me and I live my life for Him and Him alone....If this makes me sound arrogant or haughty, that is not my intent. My only intent is to encourage others to begin to see who they are in Christ and begin to walk out the Will of God for their life knowing their identity in Christ as a Child of God who is more then what meets the eye when they look in the mirror while standing in the bathroom. See yourself as God sees you...and know that as a Child of God you are not working for righteousness but you were made righteous the day you got saved.

I look back at the events that took place for each of these personal discoveries I have encountered and think now, wow, for such a time as this...but ya'll know I wasn't saying that as I was walking through it. Giggle Giggles...so let me say this, I have learned that as I go through the tests, trials and storms in life, I have found that as I praise God in the midst of it all, I really do have more peace, joy, more stamina, more faith, more tenacity and more determination to endure then when I have walked through them not praising God...It was sung tonight at church this way and it sums this entire paragraph up perfectly;

SOMETHING AMAZING IS TAKING PLACE,
BECAUSE I WORSHIP,
ALL MY DREAMS TAKE FLIGHT,
ALL MY BATTLES BECOME DADDY'S FIGHT!

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU FACE SOMETHING CHALLENGING OR TRAUMATIC, LET YOUR WORSHIP BE THE TOOL/WEAPON TO SEE ACTIVATE YOUR FAITH SO THAT YOU CAN WALK VICTORIOUSLY THROUGH IT!

Walking The Path To Adoption

My heart is heavy. I am not sure I have the strength to help my sister choose a family to adopt her unborn baby. I can't imagine the thought of my family being seperated all because she is choosing to be selfish. The only reason she is choosing to adopt this baby is because she doesn't think she can afford a 2nd child. She choose to get pregnant, this was a planned pregnancy with her boyfriend. Her and her boyfriend are no longer together and now she wants to adopt out. I have begged her to let me adopt the baby, she says no. While I am greatful she didn't choose abortion as her method of removing the child from her life, I still think her motives for adoption are selfish and wrong. Yet, I do commend her for looking into helping others fulfill a desire of having children even if it's through adoption as their route.

I pray for the strength and ability to love her through this. I pray that God give her the right motives for this decision and turns her heart to my request of adopting this baby. I pray God's will be done in this situation so it brings Him glory and honor!

Laying My Isaac On The Altar

Lord, I come to you tonight with much on my heart and running through my mind. I come to you with a spirit of heaviness and know that as I cast my cares upon you, that you will take them from me in exchange for your peace and wisdom and strength. I lay down at your feet all that is with-in me, I crawl into your arms, lay my head on your chest to hear the rythmn of your heart beat as I look up into your eyes. You have instructed me on what to do, I choose to follow your instructions, I will walk out what you've asked me to do.

You have asked me to lay my Isaac on the altar. I step back trusting you to do what is your will with my Isaac on the altar. I fully submit this into your hands. I trust you to give me the strength to leave my Isaac on the altar as I praise you for the outcome! I choose to begin to see the final outcome instead of what the now situation is! I truly believe you have it all planned out and as I step back I will be rewarded with the desire of my heart on this...my Isaac won't be sacrificed, but instead handed over to me to fully and richly enjoy!

I choose today to lay my Isaac on the altar and start the journey of trusting you through the process that is needed to recieve my Isaac back when you give back! Not only will my Isaac have went through the refiners fire and experienced what you have assigned by laying on the altar, but I also will have went through the refiners fire and experienced what it is you have assigned me in the process of laying my Isaac on the altar and walking away til you provide the ram.....selah

Lord, as I do this, whatever is needed to be changed or be rooted out or inputed in me, do so, I give you complete control...I am open!! I don't want to mess this up, I know that if its given time this whole experience will bring me and my Isaac closer, it will bring out your will, your plans. I know I will be alright to go through this....I know I have all that is needed to do this inside of me already...so Lord, I choose now to start the journey your taking me on! Thank you Lord, for revealing this to me...Thank you that you will guide me every step and ALL the way through this...I will NOT abort this...at all cost I WILL do this and do it til the ram is provided! I am submitted and in total surrendered state...I am standing on Matthew 11:12 and Psalms 57:7 as I go through this...I will also allow myself to be still and know you are God in all of this...I WILL be patient, I will not rush you...I will only do what you say do, I will only say what you say to say, I am in total submission to your Will on this...You know my heart, you know my motives, you know my love for my Isaac is true and genuine...and I will obey....selah.....Like you provided for Abraham, I know you will provide for me! I know that the desire of Abrahams heart was to have Isaac's life sparred, so he could enjoy Isaac, I too have that same desire, and I know your not a respector of persons, what you did for him, I know you will do for me! I will stand on the wall as a watchman and pray watching and looking for the outcome and "ram" that when this is all said and done, I have an offering to present as a thank you for this process coming to an end!!! This I pray oh God!! So Lord, thank you for my "ram"!!! 

I'm reminded of the story of the 2 mothers fighting over the baby...and the one who truly had the interest of the baby at heart responded in a sacrificial manner by sparing the babies life by allowing the other woman to have the child. I am willing to sacrifice my Isaac so that it exposes YOUR PLAN, YOUR WILL that Isaac be in my life! Let "Solomon" come now on the scene so that the truth be revealed!

I choose to praise you to offer up thanks for ALL that is in my life and on the way to my life! Thank You for my Isaac! Thank You for allowing me to go through this! Thank you for the refiners fire, Thank you for the altar where I can lay my Isaac down...Thank You for the ram, Thank You...I know that the altar is a place of restoration!!! Thank You Lord, for granting this prayer and I seal it now in the blood and offer it up to you with Faith it will be granted! I ask that as I lay my Isaac on the altar you see it as a pleasing offering and expression of my faith and grant to me the result and desire Im asking to come from this....Grant it oh God...

 In Jesus name---Amen!!

Humble Little Lily Pad

So I have updated the decor in my house. I have added some new pieces that tie into what decor I already had and might I say I am so proud of my Humble Lily Pad! I have worked so hard to get what I have and to make it look like a home over the years that I am finally starting to be at peace and take pride in my home. Not to mention I enjoy the time spent at home with my daughter because it does look so inviting, cozy, peaceful and friendly! It has taken me many years to get it to look so nice, and I have to admit I have had a lot of fun these last few weeks adding and fine tunning the detail of the decor to make it look so grand! While it isn't done yet, it is very close. I have a few things in each room I have to finalize before it will be complete but over all each room looks amazing. I don't say any of this boasting....anyone who has ever seen any of the places I have lived will testify that my decor has been nice but always very simple and always lacking in detail. The crazy part, my budget now is way less then what I have decorated with in years past...Yet when I moved here over a year ago, I made a lot of decisions regarding my relationship with God and I truly believe that because of those decisions, God is rewarding me with the desires of my heart. One of the desires being having a home that is BEAUTIFUL and looks AMAZING, something right out of one of those magizines. Therefore, He is providing the finances, sales, bargains, buy one get one free, and all the other cool treasures to make this desire a reality for me and Amariah! I owe the honor, praise and joy to God for making these new additions of decor possible for me! Thank you, Lord, for allowing me the ability to have these materialistic items in my house to enjoy! Selah.............




Smiles, You are an amazing God, who am I to try and understand your ways? Who am I to try and solve the mysteries as to why I am worthy of such favor and blessings? I stand in aww of you....and your blessings, favor, grace and mercy! The vision to make my Humble Lily Pad a home is coming to pass only through you Lord, again Thank You!



I have to admit so far I think my favorite decor piece is the wall art on the half walls in the dinning room leading into the kitchen. It was a bit time consuming making sure it all was pieced together and lined up and even laid out right but the finished product is breath taking if I may say so myself...Giggle Giggles! Oh and I have found the same color skeme word picture with a different caption and picture to put on the wall with the one that my God daughter got me while she was in Kentucky that says Prayer....This new one says Vision and has a caption that talks about vision....So now both of them are up and intergrated with my mounted light up bridge picture my Mommy bought me many years ago as a present! The 3 of them look amazing on the wall behind the couch! I am getting excited to get my candle order from my friends party so that I can tie in those home decor items with what I have!



The last but best project will be my room. This project will be a complete makeover on my entire room...I will have a theme picked out, I have 90% of the decor already but I just need to tie it all in and put the finishing touches on it and buy the bedding and maybe either paint my bookshelf to tie in the colors or paint my bedroom tv stand to tie in the color skeme or paint both..Giggle Giggles! hmmm, what to do what to do....I just bought tonight a large picture to put on one of the larger walls that have been decorated by the "themed beach towel" so the wall wasn't naked! Giggle Giggle....So the towel will come down and the picture will go up and I will re-arrange some of the pictures I have up already to start making the walls PICTURE PERFECT before I get out the decor items!!! I am so excited because my bedroom hasn't ever been fully themed and fully finished since......well to be honest...I don't think ever.....I remember growing up I had a mint green room because I was supposed to have a pastel border added to the top of the walls that went around the entire room and when we moved from that house, needless to say the trim wasn't even finished being tacked back on yet alone the boarder...Giggle Giggle....so you can see why I am excited to have a bedroom fully themed and finished!

It amazes me that when we do our part in the relationship with God whole heartedly, just how FAITHFUL He IS to fulfill His end, pouring out Blessings and Favor for us and on us!